June 14

Just a girl

And a boy

That met at a bar

With the boy serenading

And the girl would linger

Sipping her beer listening

Swaying along to the beat

Until the end of the set

Feeling butterflies as she sung to every song

They didn’t ask for names

Or details

Just the connection

Because of chemistry

And the set ended as he was packing up

She would pretend to be drunk just outside of the bar

And she would watch as he would put his hands on every single piece of equipment

Lugging it into the car

And for a moment she actually hesitated

And she thought of doing something spontaneous

But in the end

She didn’t

And her beer was finished

He has gotten in his car

And she walked away

Wondering what would have came about

And she felt sad for a minute,

Because it was like going to the boardwalk

But not going to the beach.

Retreat.

And all of the sudden,

I snapped out of it,

And he asked, “where did you go?”

“I don’t know..” I lied.

He knew.

Oh how he knew.

And it was dangerous,

Because he thought he knew.

And he didn’t. 

Oh how he didn’t. 

He didnt know about my darkness,

That there is no other side.

And he doesn’t know that I need help,

But not from him,

That it’s something I need to do on my own,

I’m just not quite sure how.

Because I try to imagine my lighter days,

The little moments of happiness.

But that’s just it.

We are never truly happy, all the time, are we?

We have happy moments. 

But moments don’t last forever.

They don’t. 

Oh how they don’t.

And I’ve tried everything.

Everything.

Why would I drag him into that?

It’s not fair.

The mood swings,

The paranoia,

The screaming,

The crying,

The echos of my demons,

Why would I ever want to bring someone into my darkness?

I want the best for him. 

And that isn’t me.

Oh how that isn’t me.

It was chaos.

He said I was dangerous,

The way I tightened my ponytail, The way I took a drag of a cigarette, The way I climb into my window when I’m locked out, climbing trash cans and scaling walls, with my cigarette still hanging from my lips.

He whispered and said I was dangerous.

The way I revved my engine, throwing into second gear and red lining it, how exhilarating it was and how quickly he pulled away from my hand.

Then seeing the red and blue lights, speeding up as if it were a game. Because it was.

He laughed and said I was dangerous.

The way I took his hand and led him to the edge of the cliff, kissed him on the cheek and jumped, Laughing on my way down to the water.

He yelled and said I was dangerous.

I didn’t understand why he considered all of that dangerous,
It was normal to me, a routine.
It was how it always was. I suppose we knew danger differently.
His danger was in his head, and in a way, it was normal.
It was routine.

I asked him if he wanted to see me,
He said no, I was dangerous.
And he was it was too much,
That I was too much.
And it’s not the first time I’ve heard that.
I’m always hearing that.
Too much.

It was chaos and it was calling me.

Love? What a silly word.

“Kiss me like it’s the last thing we’ll ever do.”

It’s a Friday night, and of course I’m not out, who goes out anymore? Psh.
Lately, I’ve been over-thinking so much of things. Hell, I do that on a regular basis. But it’s been about writing. This kind of thing, whatever this is. I don’t know many people who actually give a shit about writing or reading; or someone who hasn’t crushed my dreams on becoming a novelist.
I’ve been thinking about this writing that I do, and I question myself, I question everything. Why do I write? Why do I write about the same thing? Why do I care? Why am I so convinced that someone who reads this, all of this, will understand? Because I doubt you will.

And there’s one question I always ask myself. Every day.
Why do I want to fall in love?
What possesses me to read romance novels?
Or watch stupid romance movies with the sad parts in the middle but it’s okay because they end up together and happy at the end.
What’s so good about it?
It’s all like cold coffee to me.
Two things, one I love, and one I don’t. Then they put it together just to tug at my heart.
I wonder if my soul mate obsesses with this stuff like I do; I wonder if he thinks of me, if I’ve met him.
What if I’ve already met the person I’m going to marry? That’s a scary thought.

What if this stuff is all in my head?
That I’m so convinced I need to be with someone, not just to be in love, but because I don’t want to be alone anymore.
I don’t like being alone and unhappy.
I’d like to think that the sky is the limit, that this world has so many possibilities for me, whether I want to find them or not, where they are going to be.
I always have to tell myself to slow down, to enjoy this day, because may 2, 2014 won’t ever come again, and one day were all going to end up in the ground, so go crazy right? I suppose so.
I also understand that I’m asking questions that no one has an intention to answer.
People ask me why I obsess with boys. And for the record, I don’t.
You can have your silly immature boys. I don’t want them.

I’m obsessed with finding the love that fits me.
The love where we can get drunk off wine and love and go get married. And then go home and regret it and not regret it. If that makes sense, which it probably doesn’t.
The one where everyone doesn’t approve, which makes it all the more fun.
The one that won’t run out, the one that’s always fiery and exciting. The one that’s thrilling because it’s forbidden.
The ones that feel like the movies, the semi-precious, eager-minded, complicated feelings in them.
The one that would consume me, even though I promised myself that I wouldn’t get caught in one of those again, because it ended up disastrous.
Oh, how I wish it would be like that every time. But it isn’t. Oh the cliques.
There’s just something about a first love that is unlike to any other love you have, if its love that you have or are looking for.
But no need for a re-run, I’ve already told you that story.
Now, I wake up alone, I talk to very few people, and I patiently wait. I wait for whatever comes next for me. Taking it day by day, just letting the world guide me.
And maybe, just maybe, it will take me right to you.

is there such thing as a perfect love?

I don’t think there is such thing of a perfect guy,
Or perfect love,
But there could be a guy perfect for you,
And if you’re lucky, then you could create the perfect love.
Too many people spend their time looking for someone to sleep with
Instead of someone worth waking up too.

Love just doesn’t happen to girls like me; girls who build their hopes on an intricate web of day dreams. The truth is that everyone has issues and maybe building up a fake, perfect man in my mind was my biggest issue of all. I’ve been walking around with the ghost of my magic man. He’s been haunting me, keeping me from a world of opportunities that were right in front of me. There’s no such thing as perfection. Love is for people who are realistic and smart enough to open up their heart and minds and to realize that a real relationship is the ultimate fantasy.

And that sure as hell isn’t me.

Falling in love is a full time job, and I’m not sure that I can handle that just yet, but only time will tell. And as I’ve said before, I have to be patient.
Maybe I’m not supposed to be searching for Mr. Right, maybe I’m supposed to be searching for the opposite. They do say opposites attract. For the longest time, I’ve had the perfect man in my head, and every time I look at a guy, I try to picture that, and it just doesn’t work out. Maybe I need to step into reality already and forget the silly things in my mind.
How I will do that though, is something I couldn’t tell you because I have no idea.
This was short and sweet, didn’t have a lot to put down today.

Stay classy and sassy my loves.

too many questions, and really too early to be asking them.

Why do I feel like this after a week?
It just goes numb?
Why do I feel like you’re never in the mood for me?
Why do I feel like you make up excuses.
For everything.
Why do I feel like you’re avoiding me because I want to see your face on a screen,
Or I want to hear your voice on the phone.
Why?
Please tell me,
Because I don’t know.
I’m confused and you’re not making it any better for me and I seems like you’re being distant now.
Why do I feel like I’ll never be good enough for you?
Why do I feel like I don’t deserve you?
Maybe because I don’t…
Why do I feel like a little kid’s toy that they don’t want anymore?
Why do I feel like I’m on broken glass with you.
Why do I feel like I’m taking my walls down for you and you don’t seem to care.
Why do I feel numb.
Why do I feel attached already.
Why do I feel like I’m not as much as I was when you met me?
Why do I feel butterflies.
Why do I feel unhappy.
Why do I feel miserable.
Why do I feel like the relationship ended when it hasn’t even started?
Why are you letting me feel like this?

Kiss me like you want to be loved.

“My hearts against your chest,
Your lips pressed to my neck,
I’ve fallen for your eyes,
But they don’t know me yet.”
-Ed sheeran

I love this song. It just explains what love is in its own way. This is what I listen too when I’m down, when I don’t think I’ll find love. Or just when I’m happy.

When I’m happy I enjoy the music.
When I’m sad, I understand the lyrics.

If you just down out the music and listen to the lyrics. You understand how he loves.

Most love is felt with touch. Holding hands, a kiss, a hickey, sex.  It’s all love with touch. And we’ve all known that one crush that turns into love, and you’ve loved them without even touching them, even if you’ve brushed past them a few times.

This part in the lyrics got to me the most. Because I was in this situation many times. And I’ve fantasized about it just as much. But the fantasy is so much better than the reality.
But at the end of the day, it still wasn’t as good as reality.

I have him as my wallpaper, and it’s nothing special. He’s not even looking at the camera. He’s just looking down. He was writing.
I don’t know why but this is one of my favorite pictures. I always smile every time my phone lights up. He reminds me a lot of this song even though we haven’t met yet. We don’t need too. I think he’s going to be in my life for a long time.

This song and most of his songs talk about sex, and yes, morning sex can be great with coffee, but he’s not just talking about sex, he’s talking about being in love. And making love. And his songs speak to me the most. I love the way he put falling in love into the lyrics.
And that’s what I look for. Love is most definitely like a song, at least that’s how I just think of it.
Okay, now I’ll stop bullshitting all of you and go.

Stay classy and sassy my loves.

friends forever, right?

“I would never leave you, even though you’re always leaving me.”

This relationship, this love, is different than all of my relationships because this deals with my best friend. A love that I probably couldn’t live without, that I needed desperately even when I didn’t want it.
Yes, this is a “love story” about two best friends. And yes, just like they say, two friends always end up falling for each other, no matter what.
We’ve been friends for maybe four or five years, and as far as I remember, he’s had a crush on me.
But it seems that when I felt the same way about him, I wouldn’t give him a chance.
It’s like when they say when you want someone and they don’t want you, and when someone wants you, you don’t want them.
The first year we were friends, I knew he had a crush on me and I had a crush on him, but I was very shallow, and yes, you can call me a bitch for it because I was. But I remember we were in 6th grade, and I was with him and a few friends of ours, next thing you know, this girl comes up and kisses him on the cheek.
I remember the next moment perfectly, I got angry, and without even thinking about it, I kissed him on the lips. My heart pounded, I haven’t ever felt that with anyone else until recently. We basically clashed together, but you know the next thing he tells me, is that I was his first kiss.
I don’t know why, but that made me feel special. I felt bad because I had taken that away from him, so his first girlfriend wouldn’t be his first. And to be fair, he was my second kiss, technically my first because I don’t like the guy who was my first, I also remember that, and brad was there too. Oh and I forgot to mention, his name is Brad. In my phone, his name is Bradley is sooo cool. Don’t ask, let me just tell you.
we were at the movies to see the movie lottery ticket in 2010, and we changed our contacts in our phones, he put that, I couldn’t remember what mine was, but I kept his that ever since, gives me some nice memories.
After two years, I was in the phase where I hated everyone and everything and everything was irritating and annoying to me. And I cut him off. I cut a lot of people off. He tried texting me, back then he was a little clingy, not that he isn’t now, I just don’t mind it anymore. But whenever he texted me I just was annoyed. so I ignored him, we just started talking recently, last year again, we talked a few times in between, but it was just short and sweet you could say. We both confessed out feelings for each other and then being the cold hearted bitch I am, I went and liked someone else, joey, and I just left him. In fact we were going to talk that Saturday, about us. And then when I and joey broke up, I did the same thing again. I thought I was still shallow, but that wasn’t the case. I was mostly afraid of losing a friendship, both we both agreed that we were mature enough that if we broke up we could still remain friends. So we started really talking. And I guess you could say we still are, we started to talk after a week, I think I needed a little space and he understood better now.
I think one of my favorite memories was one of our Starbucks dates, I think he got an iced cappuccino, and I got a pumpkin spice latte, this was in October, and we thought it was too crowded in the cafe so we went to the car and just talked. We talked about his brother that came back from war, how happy he was that he came back alive, and how awful it would be if he didn’t, and cross your fingers he will be back many times and retire with honor. I’m very proud of him. He doesn’t know me and I don’t know him, but I still thank him in my head for defending our country. I really would talk about anything with Brad; I was comfortable, and insanely happy that I got my best friend back.
What I love most about him is that he is a total sweetheart, he has one of those hearts where he keeps annoying you till you tell him what’s wrong, and then he would always make it better. I don’t think I’ve ever seen him genuinely upset, maybe mad a few times, but not sad. He always made everything better.
And after all of the years I pushed him away and made him feel unwanted, after all the “I’m sorry’s” and rejecting him, he’s still here. And he still wants me. I really couldn’t be happier.
I wouldn’t say our story ended, I think it has just started. And I’m happy that he still accepts me, and whether we go out or not, I think we’re going to be best friends for a long time. He basically my other half, or at least a big part, I don’t think I could for a while without thinking about him or without talking to him.
I just need him is all.
Thanks for reading our story.

Stay classy and sassy my loves.

if you had the chance, would you try again?

“I’d like to say we gave it a try,
I’d like to blame it all on life.
Maybe we just weren’t right. But that’s a lie.
And we can deny it as much as we want,
but in time, our feelings will show.
‘Cause sooner or later,
we’ll wonder why we gave up.”

This; this song got to me. From the moment I heard it. It just brought back memories. Memories that I wasn’t sure I wanted to remember. Not anymore. This song just stayed in my head for days replaying those words over and over, as if my mind wanted me to understand something. To understand feelings that were still there, that I had pushed away, that I didn’t want anymore. Most people blame life for love, because life itself makes love look hard. and its saying that no matter how much you deny your feelings for someone, no matter how much you push them away yourself or how much you hate them, your feelings for them are always going to be there. And sooner or later, you’re going to realize that those feelings are still there. and you’re going to wonder why you gave up, why you let them go, why you aren’t chasing them anymore, and why you still have feelings for them after all of that.
I over analyze songs a lot because I love the meaning behind it that no one knows. This song got me and I had to keep listening to it. I listened to it for a straight week. Just on repeat when I went to school, when I went to the store, when I was reading, when I was writing, everything. I listened to it until I absolutely hated it. Until I could sing it without the music, until it was stuck in my head, until I could write all of the lyrics down on a piece of paper. This is how I knew that I had gotten attached to this song. Because every time I heard this, I would think of the memories. My stories, of my relationships.

I think that if I had one more chance, that I would know how to do it so much better, this time. But I don’t get a second chance in most of them. I think there’s only one guy that would take me back, and I’m not sure if I would go back to that one. I think I would want to go back to the love that I never got to have, or the love that didn’t last, even though 11 months seems long enough. I would go back to the love that I never touched, never kissed, never believed in enough.

But then again, we would go back to a lot of things that we can’t change, that’s why I have to stop moping about it. Because it’s something that is over and done with, and cannot change or take back. And most of my relationships I don’t think I would take back, because each had taught me something. Whether it was good or bad, my first love, my second, and yes, my third one too. They all taught me something new, that there was something new to discover with each one. And I think through it all most of it was good.
I realize that most of what you’re reading right now had probably been repetitive, and I know it can get boring.
But this is for me; I need to keep writing it down because I need to come to that realization. I need to stop pretending that each relationship, or any relationship that I have in the future, that it will always be good, that it will always be okay. Because not everything will be okay. Maybe it will be eventually, but not in these relationships, not anymore.
What I’ve also realized is that you always need to have a silver lining. A bright side to everything. Sides where everything will be okay, turn out okay. Because eventually it will.
But then again, life is only as meaningful as you fool yourself into thinking it is.

Stay classy and sassy my loves.

What is perfect?

“He’s not perfect. You aren’t either, and the two of you will never be perfect. But if he can make you laugh at least once, causes you to think twice, and if he admits to being human and making mistakes, hold onto him and give him the most you can. He isn’t going to quote poetry, he’s not thinking about you every moment, but he will give you a part of him that he knows you could break. Don’t hurt him, don’t change him, and don’t expect for more than he can give. Don’t analyze. Smile when he makes you happy, yell when he makes you mad, and miss him when he’s not there. Love hard when there is love to be had. Because perfect guys don’t exist, but there’s always one guy that is perfect for you.”
– Bob Marley
I find myself looking at pictures a lot and then crying wishing it was still that way. I can’t erase them either; they are always going to be there. Not that I can’t erase them, but it’s something that will always be in my mind. I feel like its permanent. A permanent remind of my sad combusted relationships that didn’t make it past 11 months. Maybe I came on too strong, maybe I got attached too easily. I find myself looking at my relationships and comparing them to my other ones. I know you shouldn’t really do that, but that doesn’t mean I don’t, because I do. I’m still young, I’m not perfect. I know I’m not, no one is. Even the prettiest girl at school with the long hair and beautiful face covered in makeup with a fancy car. Or the handsome guy who’s a huge douche with his mesmerizing eyes and big house. No one is perfect. Even though I say this myself, I still struggle to realize this sometimes. I know most of my relationships, I ended myself unhappy, but I’m happy they found someone to be happy with. Even if I’m still searching for my right love.

I’ve also wondered why I think of love so much. I thought at first there was something wrong with me because when I talk about this to other people, they seem to think I’m crazy or obsessive. Even though that isn’t the case.
I guess I just love the idea of having someone to call my own, having them call me at two in the morning because they miss my voice. And I think secretly everyone wants that, whether they admit that or not.

With me, I jump in too fast because I’m so determined to find that love that I’ve been searching for.

And every relationship I’ve ever been in seems to have torn at the seams. And I blame myself for it. I think life is too short, so it throws everything at you all at once, and you’re not sure how to take it to you result to the one that sounds the best to you.
I don’t think you should take life too seriously. Life is supposed to be amazing, life is supposed to be fun and full of surprises. I want to do something fun in my life, like be an artist. Not a lady in New York in a suit. That actually scares me. I don’t want to get lost with all the other people, going to a job every day and coming home and making dinner with the same routine. That scares me. I don’t want to be like that. I want to live in a big apartment in California with a cat and a dog and someone I love. I just want to end up happy. And I think that’s what most people want in life, that’s what they desire, that’s what they crave for, much like me. Most teenagers are very different from me, they don’t think about this. They just think about getting laid or partying, but I was never the type. I would rather be inside on a Friday night with my cat sipping tea snuggled up with my favorite romance book. But that’s just me.

I think I love writing about life, specifically the parts about love, because as far as I’m concerned, love is absolutely everything.
Stay classy and sassy my loves.