And all of the sudden,

I snapped out of it,

And he asked, “where did you go?”

“I don’t know..” I lied.

He knew.

Oh how he knew.

And it was dangerous,

Because he thought he knew.

And he didn’t. 

Oh how he didn’t. 

He didnt know about my darkness,

That there is no other side.

And he doesn’t know that I need help,

But not from him,

That it’s something I need to do on my own,

I’m just not quite sure how.

Because I try to imagine my lighter days,

The little moments of happiness.

But that’s just it.

We are never truly happy, all the time, are we?

We have happy moments. 

But moments don’t last forever.

They don’t. 

Oh how they don’t.

And I’ve tried everything.


Why would I drag him into that?

It’s not fair.

The mood swings,

The paranoia,

The screaming,

The crying,

The echos of my demons,

Why would I ever want to bring someone into my darkness?

I want the best for him. 

And that isn’t me.

Oh how that isn’t me.



Saying we need to talk things out,

But you don’t want to talk to me.

And I get that. 

And I’ll try again, 

And again,

I’ll apologize for things out of my control. 

But you still refuse to talk to me,

And we both know you saw it, 

Saw me pour my heart out to you. 

And you just threw it aside like it was nothing, 

And i suppose to you, it is. 


Saying don’t take everything so seriously,

So I don’t. 

But I make a joke and you get angry.

And I get confused.

But I can’t say anything. 

Because you’re right,

It seems like you’re always right.



But your logic is flawed, 

And my heart still hurts, 

But I’ll sit here until I’m right. 

But I’ll be waiting forever, 


All I do is wait.

All I do is understand, 

And all I do is want you more, 

You’re addicting. 

And I’m hurting,

If there is a way to stop this, 

Why would I try?

Because if I talked to you, 

You would ask me how my day was, 

And talk about the weather, 

Or your brother. 

But we both know you’re hurting too,


It was chaos.

He said I was dangerous,

The way I tightened my ponytail, The way I took a drag of a cigarette, The way I climb into my window when I’m locked out, climbing trash cans and scaling walls, with my cigarette still hanging from my lips.

He whispered and said I was dangerous.

The way I revved my engine, throwing into second gear and red lining it, how exhilarating it was and how quickly he pulled away from my hand.

Then seeing the red and blue lights, speeding up as if it were a game. Because it was.

He laughed and said I was dangerous.

The way I took his hand and led him to the edge of the cliff, kissed him on the cheek and jumped, Laughing on my way down to the water.

He yelled and said I was dangerous.

I didn’t understand why he considered all of that dangerous,
It was normal to me, a routine.
It was how it always was. I suppose we knew danger differently.
His danger was in his head, and in a way, it was normal.
It was routine.

I asked him if he wanted to see me,
He said no, I was dangerous.
And he was it was too much,
That I was too much.
And it’s not the first time I’ve heard that.
I’m always hearing that.
Too much.

It was chaos and it was calling me.

I’m okay

It was the way her lipstick was uneven.

It was the way she threw her hair up and left one piece dangling,

It was the way our smoke connected.

It was the way we counted kisses, waiting for the stoplight to turn green.

It was the way you pulled me into your darkness, and I lingered, afraid.

It was the way you stared at me through the bonfire,

I saw the fire in your eyes.

It was the way I looked up at you, finding you already looking at me.

It’s those ways that make me miss it.


But I’m okay.

It’s okay.

My lipstick is still uneven,

My hair is a mess,

My smoke strays lonely,

My driving is focused,

My darkness is dissipating, 

My fire is still burning, deeply.

And I’m okay.

white picket fence.

I don’t want a schoolgirl crush where you’re afraid to touch me.

I want spontaneous sex. I want to come home and as soon as you see me you grab me by my hips and bend me over. 

I don’t want to wait by the phone.

I want you to come home to me after a good night with your friends. 

I don’t want your space.

I want to live with you, but I still want to be independent, I cannot live off of someone else like once before.

I don’t want your passwords.

I want you to look at me like you’ve never looked at any girl, and I want you to mean it.

and I want to believe you.

I don’t want to be difficult when we fight,

I want communication and understanding. 

I don’t want to sleep alone.

I want to be able to feel your warmth in the middle of the night and hear your breathing as it lulls me back to sleep.

I don’t want a one night stand. 

I want a dog family where everyone is excited when we get home. 

I don’t want a fake love, with forced messages and meaningless sex. 

I want raw, unfiltered fucking, and soft kisses in between. 

I don’t want a white picket fence.

Here’s your I don’t know.

You’ve mastered the art of slipping away; hidden

It’s a secret you’ve mastered,

You’ve never told anyone because they don’t understand

They don’t get what it means to be hidden in plain sight,

They don’t understand what it’s like to wonder how easily it will be to go, slip by, unnoticed.

Like the piles of clothes you leave on the floor.

Unintentional, of course, but still meaningless, and usually forgotten.

They don’t know.

They don’t know that I’m just a compilation of everyone else’s sleep talk.

I could live off of a life of I don’t know’s.


​I had a lucidness when I was in Ocean city. 

Of all the things I feared, it was the ocean the most.

The great unknown.

The way the waves would crash into you,

 Holding yourself up so you wouldn’t get pulled under,

Taken by the great blue. 


Feeling the current pushing you away,

Claiming you.

Looking behind you and diving into a wave and for just a few seconds,

Your feet don’t touch the ground.

You fly.

It’s beautiful. So beautiful. 

With each wave,

I would be carried, always looking back to the north, 

To reclaim my position. 

I’ll lose track of time, 

and direction, 

But it would always bring me back.