Ruin me.

Oh its such a good thing to be broken.
Its so good to be ruined, to ruin someone.
Maybe not now,  but when you are being put back together, you get the pieces back, more perfect than they were before, because you have learned, you have perfected that lesson. You have mastered the art of getting that part of yourself broken.
You have figured out to mend yourself again, maybe not whole, but enough.
And it may hurt, but its a perfect hurt.
You are gorgeously broken.
And you will be gorgeously put back together,
Perhaps by yourself, by someone else.
We are perfect, simply by the art of messing up and stumbling onto this earth, perfectly.

Intoxication.

“You keep his shirt,
He keeps his word.
And for once you let go,
Of your fears and your ghosts.
One step, not much, but it said enough.
You kissed on sidewalks,
You fight and you talk.
You can hear it in the silence,
You can feel it on the way home,
You can see it with the lights out,
You’re in love.”

I felt his pulse against my lips,
His arms around me and his hands wondering.
I followed him close,
His skin.
All the way up,
To his heart.
And now,
I know its dangerous,
This game were playing,
What were doing,
Because I’m going to get
Addicted.
A few days ago,
He told me he loved me.
And the best thing is that he didn’t mean to say it, it wasn’t forced,
All it did was slip out,
And it was the most graceful slip I’d ever seen.
And I said it back.
Of course I said it back.
And now its intoxicating,
Like I can never fully enjoy anything without him being there to enjoy it too.
Being with him is like learning to fly.
It was exciting and scary,
And I know at some point i might fall,
I might hit the ground to hard and retreat.
Maybe I’m thinking about this at 4:30 in the morning because I’m in love.
I’m most definitely over analyzing it.
And I’m thinking about his crooked smile,
That isn’t crooked at all.
His eyes, the way they look at me like I’m the most amazing thing he’s seen in his life.
His mouth, his lips, his bites, his kisses,
Oh how the list goes
On and on.
How I could never get bored
Of it.
For the first time,
I feel like I’m at a loss for words,
There’s nothing left to do
But move forward,
I’m finally ready for something good.
And what I don’t realize is that he’s already taken me.
That I’ve lost myself in him.
It hasn’t hit me yet, and I’m so devoted.
I felt like I couldn’t get close enough to feel him,
Even when we didn’t have any clothes on. Skin to skin,
I couldn’t get to him enough.
And I’m afraid that because I couldn’t, there’s someone else who could and he will leave.
He says that’ll never happen, that its okay.
He says I’m loyal and he’s loyal too,
And of course he’s right, he’s almost always right.
I told him I don’t want him to ever question my loyalty, that I don’t want to do anything that might possibly sever those chords.
He said he will never question it.
And in that moment,
I forgot why I even doubted him in first place.
When do i decide if I’ve fallen for him.
Well that’s an easy question.
I’ve already fallen into it. Into him.
The semi-precious, eagerness of it. Of the luxurious idea.
An idea that I wasn’t sure I could comprehend.
When did I decide I loved him?
Maybe when I told him bringing her up bothered me,
So he makes sure he does want bring her up. He only talks about her when I ask, and that’s a lot.
Maybe its because he doesn’t think of her anymore, I wouldn’t know.
Or maybe it was when I was in the grocery store and looking for something and after not talking for three hours because we were both busy,
He texts me just to say I’m beautiful.
That’s all.
Maybe it was when he stayed up with me to listen to me read a book and listen when I tell him everything wrong with it.
And he just agreed.
And telling each other to go to bed, but not daring unless the other goes to sleep.
Maybe its when he’s driving and I look over to him.
Its just a content smile while he’s tapping to the beat of the song as we sit in comfortable silence.
Or when were laughing hard at a song that he’s found that isn’t meant to be taken seriously.
He knows the one.
Maybe its when we first made love,
And we just laughed,
And I hit my head, twice,
Never stopping to breathe.
And sometimes I do
Forget to breathe.
Or when I’m wrapped up in his shirt,
And I can smell him, and that smell will be burned forever into my nose, I won’t forget it. And when I smell it, his shirt,
He’s almost here. Almost.
Maybe its just his existence that completely ruins me.
And I let him ruin me. In such a good way.
Maybe I decided when I met him that he was capable of loving me.
The catastrophe I am.
Maybe I’m capable of loving him.
Maybe it was when I let him complete me,
Or when I let him in before I even talked to him,
So easily.
And he knew. Oh how he knew.

Universe.

“Dear human: You’ve got it all wrong.
You didn’t come here to master unconditional love.
That is where you came from and where you’ll return.
You came here to learn personal love. universal love.
Messy love. Sweaty love. Crazy love. Broken love.
Whole love. Infused with dignity. Lived through the
perfect grace of stumbling. Demonstrated through the beauty of 
simply messing up. Often. You didn’t come here to be perfect. 
You already are. You came here to be gorgeously human.
Flawed and fabulous. And then rise up again into
remembering.”

I can’t imagine what will happen when I’m married,
I wont be able to stay, I’m afraid of that.
Why cant i be happy in a relationship. Why the hell do i get bored. Or leave when i don’t feel a spark. Or when there’s a spark, it leaves. It should be simple but it isn’t. I don’t feel secure and i don’t feel, i don’t know, whole? maybe. I feel empty. I don’t feel satisfied. I don’t feel anything. Maybe I’m not supposed to be in a relationship.
Maybe i’m not meant for a relationship. Because i try so much to feel something and i just don’t. Maybe i have high expectations and maybe they will never be reached. Maybe I’m just a cold hearted bitch.
Maybe i believe that once you feel something, you get hurt, or you leave. Maybe to protect yourself.
Anger.
Anger.
Anger.
Retaliation.
Retaliation.
Retaliation.
I don’t think its meant for me, to be held down. I can’t do it. And every time i chase someone, i tell myself no matter how bored you get, you cannot hurt this person because they probably deserve so much better than you. and you don’t deserve them at all. 
I have so many expectations from books and movies and i expect them to read my mind, and that’s not right. That not fair, to him. 
And i can make up excuses, about how i need me time, how i need to focus on grades, school, college, SAT. I can think of a million excuses. But i cant think of an excuse to be happy, if that makes sense.
And i want so much to be committed,
but I’m so afraid of commitment, and i don’t understand.
Perhaps it’s because im only 16, and granted I’ve got years to start to form my life.
This is fucking up my head.
I dont really know why im trying to justify when i get bored, because its not making me look or feel any better.
Maybe things didnt work out because,
well, greater things were in the works.
It’s so difficult while were blind and hurting and dont know which way is up. But, if you have faith in anything, have faith in the face that the universe had a rather beautiful way of straightening things out far better than we ever could. You may not see it today or tomorrow, but you will look back in a few years and be absolutely perplexed and awed by how every little thing added and brought you somewhere wonderful. Or maybe somewhere you always wanted to be. 
Maybe youll be grateful things didnt work out the way you once wanted to.
From what ive read about love, about being in love,
We have a natural tendency to assume that a remarkable chemistry between two souls is confirmation that they are meant to be together. In the heat of profound feelings, it seems counter-intuitive to imagine outselves separate from our significant other. but chemistry and longevity are not natural bedfellows. Just because we feel earth-shatteringly alive with someone doesnt mean they are supposed to be our life partner, right? maybe they came to us for a different reason, maybe a lesson, to awaken us, to expand us, to shatter us so wide open that we can never close again. maybe to put us back together so we can be on our way. maybe we should just dispose of expectations fully when they come, just so you can enjoy the ride a little longer.
maybe the fact that ive been looking so long for someone to fill my heart, makes me jump to anyone who has an interest in me, but its so hard for me to actually be intersted in them, i only like them simply because they like me. and its exhausting.
and to every guy who i hurt, im so sorry.
and maybe, in another universe, i deserve you. maybe theres another universe where im the right person for you. if you think if it all this way, then its like neither of us did anything wrong. you simply just found me in the wrong universe. thats all. and if this theory holds, well then, by the law of averages and balance, there had to be one universe, just this one, where we don’t end up together, because you belong to someone else, someone that isn’t me. and I’m sorry. Here and now just happens to be it. If you think of it this way, nothing is our fault. Because you smiled whenever you saw me and we could have built a life on that but we didn’t simply because we werent meant to.
And you could have liked me, loved me even, and maybe in another universe, i let you. Just not this one, and again, I’m sorry.
But this has to make sense to you as much as it does for me, right?
Do you think that the universe fights for souls to be together? Because some things are too strange to be coincidences. 
And above all, everything that I’ve learned,
if it hurts, let go.
You’ll fall in love so many times that you’ll lose count and it’ll shake you. Tiny vibrations like tectonic plates with every stranger who looked at you and made your body feel new. 
Find a love that makes you feel new, and better. Always like your moving and staying still in the exact same place and the exact same time. Yelling and staying quiet, growing and shrinking. 
Find a love that makes you grow and expand. And if it hurts, leave.
Your heart will find rest soon. 
Neruda had said, “love is so short, forgetting is so long.”
And I’ve convinced myself that its easy to feel uncared for when people arent able to communicate and connect with you in the way you need. And it’s so hard not to internalize that silence as a reflection of your own worth. But the truth is that the way other people operate is not about you. Most people are so caught up in their own responsibilities, struggles, and anxiety that the thought of asking someone else how they are doing doesn’t even cross their mind. They aren’t inherently bad or uncaring, they’re just busy and self-focused. And that’s okay. It’s not evidence of some fundamental failing of your part. Stop blaming yourself. It doesn’t make you unlovable or invisible. It just means those people arent very good at looking beond their own world. But the fact that you are, that despite the darkness you feel, you have the ability to share your love and light with others, it is a strength. Your work isn’t to change who you are; it’s to find people who are able to give you the connection you need. Because despite what you feel, you are not too much. You are not too sensitive and needy, you are thoughtful and empathetic. You are compassionate and kind. And with or without anyone’s acknowledgment or affection, you simply are enough.
But that’s the thing, I thought I was unhappy, but even just a few hours away from him, it makes me contradict everything I’ve just said. And he has a tendency to do that. Oh well.

“May you find warmth 
in the middle of the night,
in that big bed
alone.
That feels just right
and may you find peace
in yourself,
instead of
not finding help
may you find happiness,
that makes the corners
of your mouth,
turn up.
And darling, you will find it
that love you ache for,
just not now.”

Wake up call.

Give me back my oxygen mask,
I don’t want to feel the walls of my heart collapse.
-the Art of Anesthesia

I never enjoy anything.
I’m always waiting
for whatever’s next.
I think everyone’s like that…
living life in fast forward,
never stopping to
enjoy the moment,
too busy trying to rush
through everything,
so we can get on with what we’re really
supposed to be doing with our lives.
I get these flashes of
clarity, brilliant clarity,
where, for a second,
I stop and I think,
Wait, this is it.
This is my life. I’d better
slow down and enjoy it,
because one day, we’re all
going to end up in the ground,
And that will be it.
We’ll be gone.
So some days I’m sad.
Some days I’m happy.
Some days I’m gone.
Completely.
Its like,
When you look at a tree,
And you’re happy.
You’re going to love that tree.
That tree will be beautiful.
When you look at the tree,
And you’re sad.
You’re going to hate that tree.
And it won’t be beautiful anymore.
But that tree didn’t change.
The way you perceived it changed.
The tree is life, and the way you see life is how happy you are with yourself and life.
And if you aren’t enjoying life,
You are going to be miserable.
I promise you that.
This is absolutely what I don’t understand,
Why I want to grow up so fast,
But its not even that.
Just going and doing what I love and that I know I’ll get to do it everyday,
I just want to rush through everything.
Like I’ve heard how high school is just a blur. And I believe it. Because four years compared to your whole career, estimating about 30-40 years, is nothing.
Just when you think everything is now okay,
The world likes to give us a wake up call.
To enjoy this, to slow down.
This, is my wake up call.
Actually, he is my wake up call,
So.
Thank you for waking me up.

Red, red, red, red, red.

I’m up at two in the morning.
Thinking about your smile.
Your cheesy remarks,
That made my face red.
The way I think we are going to fast,
Or too slow.
If were going anywhere at all.
And for a moment,
I think so myself,
This can’t be right.
I can’t be this lucky, can I?
Maybe he won’t care,
About the past.
Or the future.
Maybe,
Just for right now.
Because I want so much to stay in this moment.
Without hesitation of regret or misfortune.
And replay the last few days,
Because for once,
I don’t have to make myself feel numb;
And I don’t want to.
Because I’m satisfied.
Except when,
Our mouths touch,
And our hands search,
Maybe for a way to get closer,
Or a way to get more.
Even if we’ve had enough,
Maybe have had too much,
Or maybe I’ve forgotten to breathe.
And I know that my smile,
Right now,
Is because of the guy on the other side of my phone.

“For the first time
I feel like I’m at a loss for words,
There’s nothing left to do
But move forward,
I’m finally ready for something good.”
-chase coy

Time.

Sometimes there’s nothing left to say.
All you want now is to be left alone.
And the only person you want to heard from,
Is silent.
But I suppose I didn’t need anyone to rescue me.
From the silence.
I rescued myself.
And maybe that’s how I like it.
Because all I remember is how difficult it was,
Connecting with someone.
The absolute hardest part of connecting with someone is letting them go.
Because it feels like you let apart of yourself go.
Like a part of you isn’t there anymore.
That they took it with them.
And its not that you miss them,
But maybe you miss the idea of them.
And maybe it hurts to see them with someone else.
To see them laugh the way you used to make them laugh.
To see them love someone else more than they ever loved you.
When its not you, its all them. Right?
But maybe the problem wasn’t them.
It was you.
Maybe it wasn’t either of you.
Maybe the timing was off.
Maybe it wasn’t anything.
Maybe, not knowing makes it less complicated.
Maybe it helps not knowing,
So you can move on.
Open up to new things.
New people.
To make you feel a little less alone.

[insert clever title here]

“Words, how little they mean,
When you’re a little too late.”
– Taylor swift

I would like to say everything’s okay,
But it’s not.
Time is taking it’s sweet time erasing you,
I keep wondering if I’ve ever felt this empty,
This dull, this numb.
I keep wondering when it’s going to end.
Because I’m miserable.
It sucks when someone you haven’t gotten over, has moved on and you haven’t.
It’s tough,
I keep wondering when my time is coming,
When my time runs out,
Because it’s almost unbearable to be here.
All I do is lay down and stare.
At the ceiling,
At the white that’s fading,
The fan that shakes,
Wondering if it will fall.
All while listening to every sad song on my phone.
And going to bed,
Waking up crying from demons that look like you.
I just sit in class, staring,
Thinking of ways of numbing the pain,
The loneliness,
Maybe I want to be sad,
Maybe I want to be broken,
Maybe I want to be saved,
Maybe I want someone to show me that they care.
Maybe that will be enough for me.
It’s only a year and a few months left,
And I’m leaving,
Everyone.
And I won’t tell,
Where I am or who I’m with,
And maybe, just maybe,
I’ll be happy that way.
And hopefully I’ll stick it out till then.

“You said you didn’t wanna see me cry,
but I’ll pretend that I’m alright,
I’m alright.”