“Dear human: You’ve got it all wrong.
You didn’t come here to master unconditional love.
That is where you came from and where you’ll return.
You came here to learn personal love. universal love.
Messy love. Sweaty love. Crazy love. Broken love.
Whole love. Infused with dignity. Lived through the
perfect grace of stumbling. Demonstrated through the beauty of
simply messing up. Often. You didn’t come here to be perfect.
You already are. You came here to be gorgeously human.
Flawed and fabulous. And then rise up again into
I can’t imagine what will happen when I’m married,
I wont be able to stay, I’m afraid of that.
Why cant i be happy in a relationship. Why the hell do i get bored. Or leave when i don’t feel a spark. Or when there’s a spark, it leaves. It should be simple but it isn’t. I don’t feel secure and i don’t feel, i don’t know, whole? maybe. I feel empty. I don’t feel satisfied. I don’t feel anything. Maybe I’m not supposed to be in a relationship.
Maybe i’m not meant for a relationship. Because i try so much to feel something and i just don’t. Maybe i have high expectations and maybe they will never be reached. Maybe I’m just a cold hearted bitch.
Maybe i believe that once you feel something, you get hurt, or you leave. Maybe to protect yourself.
I don’t think its meant for me, to be held down. I can’t do it. And every time i chase someone, i tell myself no matter how bored you get, you cannot hurt this person because they probably deserve so much better than you. and you don’t deserve them at all.
I have so many expectations from books and movies and i expect them to read my mind, and that’s not right. That not fair, to him.
And i can make up excuses, about how i need me time, how i need to focus on grades, school, college, SAT. I can think of a million excuses. But i cant think of an excuse to be happy, if that makes sense.
And i want so much to be committed,
but I’m so afraid of commitment, and i don’t understand.
Perhaps it’s because im only 16, and granted I’ve got years to start to form my life.
This is fucking up my head.
I dont really know why im trying to justify when i get bored, because its not making me look or feel any better.
Maybe things didnt work out because,
well, greater things were in the works.
It’s so difficult while were blind and hurting and dont know which way is up. But, if you have faith in anything, have faith in the face that the universe had a rather beautiful way of straightening things out far better than we ever could. You may not see it today or tomorrow, but you will look back in a few years and be absolutely perplexed and awed by how every little thing added and brought you somewhere wonderful. Or maybe somewhere you always wanted to be.
Maybe youll be grateful things didnt work out the way you once wanted to.
From what ive read about love, about being in love,
We have a natural tendency to assume that a remarkable chemistry between two souls is confirmation that they are meant to be together. In the heat of profound feelings, it seems counter-intuitive to imagine outselves separate from our significant other. but chemistry and longevity are not natural bedfellows. Just because we feel earth-shatteringly alive with someone doesnt mean they are supposed to be our life partner, right? maybe they came to us for a different reason, maybe a lesson, to awaken us, to expand us, to shatter us so wide open that we can never close again. maybe to put us back together so we can be on our way. maybe we should just dispose of expectations fully when they come, just so you can enjoy the ride a little longer.
maybe the fact that ive been looking so long for someone to fill my heart, makes me jump to anyone who has an interest in me, but its so hard for me to actually be intersted in them, i only like them simply because they like me. and its exhausting.
and to every guy who i hurt, im so sorry.
and maybe, in another universe, i deserve you. maybe theres another universe where im the right person for you. if you think if it all this way, then its like neither of us did anything wrong. you simply just found me in the wrong universe. thats all. and if this theory holds, well then, by the law of averages and balance, there had to be one universe, just this one, where we don’t end up together, because you belong to someone else, someone that isn’t me. and I’m sorry. Here and now just happens to be it. If you think of it this way, nothing is our fault. Because you smiled whenever you saw me and we could have built a life on that but we didn’t simply because we werent meant to.
And you could have liked me, loved me even, and maybe in another universe, i let you. Just not this one, and again, I’m sorry.
But this has to make sense to you as much as it does for me, right?
Do you think that the universe fights for souls to be together? Because some things are too strange to be coincidences.
And above all, everything that I’ve learned,
if it hurts, let go.
You’ll fall in love so many times that you’ll lose count and it’ll shake you. Tiny vibrations like tectonic plates with every stranger who looked at you and made your body feel new.
Find a love that makes you feel new, and better. Always like your moving and staying still in the exact same place and the exact same time. Yelling and staying quiet, growing and shrinking.
Find a love that makes you grow and expand. And if it hurts, leave.
Your heart will find rest soon.
Neruda had said, “love is so short, forgetting so long.”
And I’ve convinced myself that its easy to feel uncared for when people arent able to communicate and connect with you in the way you need. And it’s so hard not to internalize that silence as a reflection of your own worth. But the truth is that the way other people operate is not about you. Most people are so caught up in their own responsibilities, struggles, and anxiety that the thought of asking someone else how they are doing doesn’t even cross their mind. They aren’t inherently bad or uncaring, they’re just busy and self-focused. And that’s okay. It’s not evidence of some fundamental failing of your part. Stop blaming yourself. It doesn’t make you unlovable or invisible. It just means those people arent very good at looking beond their own world. But the fact that you are, that despite the darkness you feel, you have the ability to share your love and light with others, it is a strength. Your work isn’t to change who you are; it’s to find people who are able to give you the connection you need. Because despite what you feel, you are not too much. You are not too sensitive and needy, you are thoughtful and empathetic. You are compassionate and kind. And with or without anyone’s acknowledgment or affection, you simply are enough.
But that’s the thing, I thought I was unhappy, but even just a few hours away from him, it makes me contradict everything I’ve just said. And he has a tendency to do that. Oh well.
“May you find warmth
in the middle of the night,
in that big bed
That feels just right
and may you find peace
not finding help
may you find happiness,
that makes the corners
of your mouth,
And darling, you will find it
that love you ache for,
just not now.”