June 14

Just a girl

And a boy

That met at a bar

With the boy serenading

And the girl would linger

Sipping her beer listening

Swaying along to the beat

Until the end of the set

Feeling butterflies as she sung to every song

They didn’t ask for names

Or details

Just the connection

Because of chemistry

And the set ended as he was packing up

She would pretend to be drunk just outside of the bar

And she would watch as he would put his hands on every single piece of equipment

Lugging it into the car

And for a moment she actually hesitated

And she thought of doing something spontaneous

But in the end

She didn’t

And her beer was finished

He has gotten in his car

And she walked away

Wondering what would have came about

And she felt sad for a minute,

Because it was like going to the boardwalk

But not going to the beach.

Let’s pretend.

Let’s pretend you picked me up from a bar,

From being oh so charismatic.

And I felt fire when you dragged your hand up my arm.

So I followed you,

From the bar,

To the street,

To the cab,

To your hotel,

To your hotel room,

With hard kisses in between,

And all I felt was fire. Again.

Let’s pretend you didn’t see my scars and my flaws,

As you were unzipping my dress,

And as you were kissing every inch of me,

Let’s pretend you weren’t thinking about someone else.

As I was unzipping your pants while pushing you to the bed.

And when I made you wait so I could turn the lights off,

You thought it was a game of trying to find my skin in a dark room.

But it was really so I didn’t have to find out when this ended.

I felt your breath on my neck,

And I pretend that you cared about me,

As I fell on top of you,

And perhaps just for a moment,

I didn’t pretend at all.

I felt your soft touch,

I felt your caution.

I tasted the whiskey on your breath and I can imagine you tasted tequila.

But dark and light liquors don’t mix very well, do they?

And you explored me as I touched your face,

And my hand grazed your five o’clock shadow.

I felt your breathing get quick,

And I knew it was almost over.

So when it was,

I pretended you didn’t ask me to leave.

I pretended you didn’t throw me my clothes and make me hurry.

I pretended you wanted me for more then just an hour.

So I zipped my dress back up,

And as I was closing your hotel door and putting my other heel on,

It had me wondering…

Did you pretend too?

The happy drunk

Where your head is swimming in alcohol,

And all you can do is smile and laugh at everything,

And then the alcohol calms,

You start to feel remorseful,

And for what?

Well, everything your drunk little head can think of.

I’d want to snap out of it, wouldn’t you?

But then again, I wouldn’t blame you if you didn’t want to.

So then there’s another shot.

You feel warm again,

Almost like a lover holding you in their arms,

But tequila isn’t clingy,

And I’m not thinking straight.

And there’s a beautiful bottle of poison staring me down at the end of the bar,

So tell me I shouldn’t go towards it.

Tell me why I shouldn’t run,

Because tequila doesn’t cheat,

And it doesn’t lie,

Or at least doesn’t try to,

And what can I say about you?

The opposite I can assume.

And then you sober up again,

And you feel like shit,

Would you take another shot to erase the house of memories you kept,

Or would you let yourself be sad,

Because that’s okay too.

So tell me,

At the end of it all,

What do you feel like?

Christmas Day

It was Christmas Day,

It was easy, us being family friends.

I saw you three times that day.

Once for breakfast with my aunt and uncle,

And all my cousins,

Second with your mom and dad,

Who didn’t know our secret.

Third, alone with you.

I was half a bottle of rosé in when I started giggling about how you said it was too much effort to put up a Christmas tree.

You said I was drunk,

I said “No, you’re drunk.” As my defense, grabbing for the glass.

You kept flicking my nose as I scrunched it and stuck my tongue out at you.

I don’t remember what we talked about because all I saw was you; you’re face.

Your dimples, they made me smile.

You’re eyes sparkle when I’m drunk.

I loved running my fingers through your hair and holding the back of your neck. I could stare at you for hours, but I wanted another glass of rosé.

I just kept thinking how badly I wanted to be yours.

You didn’t know what you wanted, I thought.

But you were just scared.

And I was too. And it was ok.

“I don’t want to get hurt.” I said.

“It’s complicated.” You said.

And somehow, it was always complicated.

We laid there silent.

I was falling asleep with my back against your chest, your arms wrapped around me, and all I could think about was another glass of rosé so I wouldn’t remember tonight.

I woke up the next morning and you were gone,

I poured the stale rosé down the sink.

One more glass

I had too much prosecco and you had too much whiskey

one more glass

and we were talking about our feelings, our ambitions, you smiled when you talked about your bucket list

one more glass

We were talking about our futures

I said I see one with you and you hesitated

one more glass

I asked if you’ve ever been in love

And you said that was stupid

One more glass

I asked why

You yelled and said because I had the love of my life and now she’s married and it’s done.

one more glass

I was crying and you were lost for words

one more glass

I said I didn’t want to waste my time

And that was it,

I finished the bottle.

Retreat.

And all of the sudden,

I snapped out of it,

And he asked, “where did you go?”

“I don’t know..” I lied.

He knew.

Oh how he knew.

And it was dangerous,

Because he thought he knew.

And he didn’t. 

Oh how he didn’t. 

He didnt know about my darkness,

That there is no other side.

And he doesn’t know that I need help,

But not from him,

That it’s something I need to do on my own,

I’m just not quite sure how.

Because I try to imagine my lighter days,

The little moments of happiness.

But that’s just it.

We are never truly happy, all the time, are we?

We have happy moments. 

But moments don’t last forever.

They don’t. 

Oh how they don’t.

And I’ve tried everything.

Everything.

Why would I drag him into that?

It’s not fair.

The mood swings,

The paranoia,

The screaming,

The crying,

The echos of my demons,

Why would I ever want to bring someone into my darkness?

I want the best for him. 

And that isn’t me.

Oh how that isn’t me.

It was chaos.

He said I was dangerous,

The way I tightened my ponytail, The way I took a drag of a cigarette, The way I climb into my window when I’m locked out, climbing trash cans and scaling walls, with my cigarette still hanging from my lips.

He whispered and said I was dangerous.

The way I revved my engine, throwing into second gear and red lining it, how exhilarating it was and how quickly he pulled away from my hand.

Then seeing the red and blue lights, speeding up as if it were a game. Because it was.

He laughed and said I was dangerous.

The way I took his hand and led him to the edge of the cliff, kissed him on the cheek and jumped, Laughing on my way down to the water.

He yelled and said I was dangerous.

I didn’t understand why he considered all of that dangerous,
It was normal to me, a routine.
It was how it always was. I suppose we knew danger differently.
His danger was in his head, and in a way, it was normal.
It was routine.

I asked him if he wanted to see me,
He said no, I was dangerous.
And he was it was too much,
That I was too much.
And it’s not the first time I’ve heard that.
I’m always hearing that.
Too much.

It was chaos and it was calling me.

Let me do the talking.

“They say too much smoking will change your taste,
Maybe that’s why he’s kissing another girls face.
I wish I has words to encourage and inspire,
But the truth is I’m wrecked, and I’m sad, and I’m tired.”
-Emily Kinney

Let me tell you,
It hurts,
Watching someone you once loved,
Love someone else more than they ever loved you,
Let me tell you,
It hurts.
But that’s the thing isn’t it?
Why do we like to hurt so much?
To remind ourselves that it’s real?
That is was real?
I don’t understand.
Why isn’t letting go so simple?
Because you just can’t take back all the memories,
All of the thoughts,
All of time that was sacrificed,
For that person.
Why can’t it all just go away and make it stop hurting?
Let ourselves move on and find someone else for us to hurt about.
After months of not talking.
Were we waiting for the right moment?
I suppose there isn’t one,
That waiting for the right moment just means you’re waiting forever.
When the time finally comes,
Is there really anything to say at all?
You make conversation about work and the weather,
As if everything’s okay,
When really, all you need to say is,
Say you’re gonna forget me,
Say you’ll erase me from your mind.
Because I want so much to be rid of
You.
Why can’t they just come back and make up the time.
Why can’t we pretend were in a movie where the sad part is over and you come back to me.
Why isn’t it simple.
I don’t understand.
Maybe it’s just me.
Maybe I’m being dramatic and bitter and maybe I’ve got it all wrong.
That I can understand.

Comparisons

“Not knowing stuff makes it less complicated.”

I feel like I’m in a competition I’ll never win.
I know every girl has felt like this.
I just feel not good enough,
Not superior to you,
I feel like at any point I can crash into a million pieces and you won’t know what to do because I’ll lash out at you and push you away.
And I don’t mean to do that.
And I know I’m not supposed to feel this way, and honesty,
It all comes down to one guy.
A guy I’ve spent a year with,
And another year getting over.
Talking and venting with people that could care less,
That didn’t listen.
And then,
I feel like you’re making me forget the hurt,
The ache I always used to have,
The emptiness.
And I feel it’s way too early.
I’ve already told you half my secrets,
My dreams,
My failures, your failures.
The way my face gets red way too much,
Ones that I wouldn’t tell anyone else,
You were just patient,
You listened.
And I feel like that’s bad,
I’m only seeing this now.
I’ve done so much to build a wall around myself with a scowl on my face and a bitchy attitude.
And just when I was secure in my secret place,
You come in,
And slam it down, so easily.
And I’m still wondering how the hell you did that.
And now we’ve been talking for a week.
It’s nearly two in the morning,
And I’m up,
Thinking about the way you talk.
You’re eyes,
I can never tell if they are grey or green.
The way your shyness reflects off your smile.
The dip in your chin,
I’m thinking about the way you excite me,
The way I’m happy to get up in the morning, and not dread seeing the world as horrible.
Even though it is.
You can instantly pick up my mood,
Just by a simple text, that isn’t more than a sentence.
And that scares me.
And every time I almost bring him up,
You stop me and talk about your favorite games to play,
And I feel that getting to know me
Wasn’t one of them.
I end up comparing,
One by one,
Every guy that I see,
Every guy I get to know,
I compare them to him,
And they never make it. Ever,
Not one.
And maybe they weren’t meant too.
I feel my friends looking at me,
And smiling,
Because they know I’m not miserable anymore,
Other than when you aren’t talking to me.
I’m a little less mad,
At myself, at life,
And a little more thankful of everything.
And thankful I’ve met you.
Out of no where, completely unexpected,
Even when we did first talk,
I didn’t expect anything,
Because I was still doubtful,
And I was still hurt.
And maybe I still am,
I always will be in some places.
Maybe it was good that it wasn’t expected,
It wouldn’t have made it better than it already is.
I still get that moment,
When I end up comparing,
And I knew you weren’t like him.
For the first time,
I think you’re better,
And I’m a little shocked,
But I’m a little not,
Because each time I was comparing similarities,
Not differences.
And I’ve figured out,
That it didn’t work because me and him weren’t remotely similar.
We were different.
Then I look at you,
And were completely the same.
It makes sense,
Probably only to me.
So I’m tired,
I’m mumbling,
And bullshitting,
And I hope if you ever read this,
You’ll understand.
And know that I’m not ready to devote my life to you,
Or declare my love,
Even though you haven’t asked me too.
You have to understand what I feel comfortable with talking about,
And I suppose you’ll know everything in time.
And I feel like I’m already jumping in head first,
Not afraid of commitment or brokenness.
Know if at any time I get like this,
you can’t freak out,
Or shut me out.
I don’t know what we are,
But I can’t wait to find out.
I think you’re going to be very good for me.

And then it was said and done.
And you left.

Connection

They say hiding your feelings will help get rid of them. Based on experience, I must say they’re wrong.
The more you hide your feelings for someone, the more you try to prevent the inevitable, the more you fall for them. Life works that way.
You cannot just erase and forget the memories you shared.
And it’s hard to start over, trust me.

We all have our doubts,
That we will meet someone who fits our needs,
Someone who is exactly like you in some ways
And different in others.
We all have experience with this,
And maybe that’s why we have our doubts.
It’s very fascinating,
At one moment your thinking,
Oh that’s okay; all of my friends are in relationships,
Happy, content, neutral.
When you are so used to hearing all of that,
The loneliness,
It gets to you.
Watching them love each other the way you want to be loved,
Yeah, it hurts.

And when you’re just over-thinking your life,
You future,
Your mistakes, your choices,
Out of nowhere,
You meet someone.
By one simple mistake,
And probably one of my favorite mistakes.
You don’t know how,
But it just clicks,
The connection became so strong in such a short time,
On subjects you would never talk about with anyone else,
That you’re talking with a stranger that you just met,
Because everyone else would think you were crazy.
Next thing you know it’s been four hours,
Nearly two in the morning,
And you aren’t the slightest bit tired,
Because you still haven’t run out of things to talk about.
Just where you have that sudden connection,
And you don’t want it to go away,
And it doesn’t.
It just stays.
And then the part that you dread,
When they have to go away,
And you just think,
That’s awesome,
I don’t think I’ll ever have that with anyone else,
If won’t let someone in so easily.
You say you’re goodnights and tell them to take care,
And you just go to sleep thinking of the way they talk,
The way you’ve never heard it,
They just listened.
Even if you talked too much,
Which you probably did.
You go on with the next day,
Still thinking about this and that,
And it goes by,
Hours and hours,
You think he’s probably busy,
And now it’s nighttime,
You thinking about going to bed early,
And then as you go to lie down,
Your phone lights up,
And you just smile to yourself,
Because you know exactly who it is.
And then it repeats.

Day after day,
Spilling secrets and passions,
Futures and failures,
And each time you talk you feel a little less sad,
And a little more happy,
And content,
And neutral.
And you can relate now,
Because you think you’ve finally found something that you can say that you didn’t expect.
And you can say it’s something that is yours.