Christmas Day

It was Christmas Day,

It was easy, us being family friends.

I saw you three times that day.

Once for breakfast with my aunt and uncle,

And all my cousins,

Second with your mom and dad,

Who didn’t know our secret.

Third, alone with you.

I was half a bottle of rosé in when I started giggling about how you said it was too much effort to put up a Christmas tree.

You said I was drunk,

I said “No, you’re drunk.” As my defense, grabbing for the glass.

You kept flicking my nose as I scrunched it and stuck my tongue out at you.

I don’t remember what we talked about because all I saw was you; you’re face.

Your dimples, they made me smile.

You’re eyes sparkle when I’m drunk.

I loved running my fingers through your hair and holding the back of your neck. I could stare at you for hours, but I wanted another glass of rosé.

I just kept thinking how badly I wanted to be yours.

You didn’t know what you wanted, I thought.

But you were just scared.

And I was too. And it was ok.

“I don’t want to get hurt.” I said.

“It’s complicated.” You said.

And somehow, it was always complicated.

We laid there silent.

I was falling asleep with my back against your chest, your arms wrapped around me, and all I could think about was another glass of rosé so I wouldn’t remember tonight.

I woke up the next morning and you were gone,

I poured the stale rosé down the sink.

One more glass

I had too much prosecco and you had too much whiskey

one more glass

and we were talking about our feelings, our ambitions, you smiled when you talked about your bucket list

one more glass

We were talking about our futures

I said I see one with you and you hesitated

one more glass

I asked if you’ve ever been in love

And you said that was stupid

One more glass

I asked why

You yelled and said because I had the love of my life and now she’s married and it’s done.

one more glass

I was crying and you were lost for words

one more glass

I said I didn’t want to waste my time

And that was it,

I finished the bottle.

Retreat.

And all of the sudden,

I snapped out of it,

And he asked, “where did you go?”

“I don’t know..” I lied.

He knew.

Oh how he knew.

And it was dangerous,

Because he thought he knew.

And he didn’t. 

Oh how he didn’t. 

He didnt know about my darkness,

That there is no other side.

And he doesn’t know that I need help,

But not from him,

That it’s something I need to do on my own,

I’m just not quite sure how.

Because I try to imagine my lighter days,

The little moments of happiness.

But that’s just it.

We are never truly happy, all the time, are we?

We have happy moments. 

But moments don’t last forever.

They don’t. 

Oh how they don’t.

And I’ve tried everything.

Everything.

Why would I drag him into that?

It’s not fair.

The mood swings,

The paranoia,

The screaming,

The crying,

The echos of my demons,

Why would I ever want to bring someone into my darkness?

I want the best for him. 

And that isn’t me.

Oh how that isn’t me.

It was chaos.

He said I was dangerous,

The way I tightened my ponytail, The way I took a drag of a cigarette, The way I climb into my window when I’m locked out, climbing trash cans and scaling walls, with my cigarette still hanging from my lips.

He whispered and said I was dangerous.

The way I revved my engine, throwing into second gear and red lining it, how exhilarating it was and how quickly he pulled away from my hand.

Then seeing the red and blue lights, speeding up as if it were a game. Because it was.

He laughed and said I was dangerous.

The way I took his hand and led him to the edge of the cliff, kissed him on the cheek and jumped, Laughing on my way down to the water.

He yelled and said I was dangerous.

I didn’t understand why he considered all of that dangerous,
It was normal to me, a routine.
It was how it always was. I suppose we knew danger differently.
His danger was in his head, and in a way, it was normal.
It was routine.

I asked him if he wanted to see me,
He said no, I was dangerous.
And he was it was too much,
That I was too much.
And it’s not the first time I’ve heard that.
I’m always hearing that.
Too much.

It was chaos and it was calling me.

friends forever, right?

“I would never leave you, even though you’re always leaving me.”

This relationship, this love, is different than all of my relationships because this deals with my best friend. A love that I probably couldn’t live without, that I needed desperately even when I didn’t want it.
Yes, this is a “love story” about two best friends. And yes, just like they say, two friends always end up falling for each other, no matter what.
We’ve been friends for maybe four or five years, and as far as I remember, he’s had a crush on me.
But it seems that when I felt the same way about him, I wouldn’t give him a chance.
It’s like when they say when you want someone and they don’t want you, and when someone wants you, you don’t want them.
The first year we were friends, I knew he had a crush on me and I had a crush on him, but I was very shallow, and yes, you can call me a bitch for it because I was. But I remember we were in 6th grade, and I was with him and a few friends of ours, next thing you know, this girl comes up and kisses him on the cheek.
I remember the next moment perfectly, I got angry, and without even thinking about it, I kissed him on the lips. My heart pounded, I haven’t ever felt that with anyone else until recently. We basically clashed together, but you know the next thing he tells me, is that I was his first kiss.
I don’t know why, but that made me feel special. I felt bad because I had taken that away from him, so his first girlfriend wouldn’t be his first. And to be fair, he was my second kiss, technically my first because I don’t like the guy who was my first, I also remember that, and brad was there too. Oh and I forgot to mention, his name is Brad. In my phone, his name is Bradley is sooo cool. Don’t ask, let me just tell you.
we were at the movies to see the movie lottery ticket in 2010, and we changed our contacts in our phones, he put that, I couldn’t remember what mine was, but I kept his that ever since, gives me some nice memories.
After two years, I was in the phase where I hated everyone and everything and everything was irritating and annoying to me. And I cut him off. I cut a lot of people off. He tried texting me, back then he was a little clingy, not that he isn’t now, I just don’t mind it anymore. But whenever he texted me I just was annoyed. so I ignored him, we just started talking recently, last year again, we talked a few times in between, but it was just short and sweet you could say. We both confessed out feelings for each other and then being the cold hearted bitch I am, I went and liked someone else, joey, and I just left him. In fact we were going to talk that Saturday, about us. And then when I and joey broke up, I did the same thing again. I thought I was still shallow, but that wasn’t the case. I was mostly afraid of losing a friendship, both we both agreed that we were mature enough that if we broke up we could still remain friends. So we started really talking. And I guess you could say we still are, we started to talk after a week, I think I needed a little space and he understood better now.
I think one of my favorite memories was one of our Starbucks dates, I think he got an iced cappuccino, and I got a pumpkin spice latte, this was in October, and we thought it was too crowded in the cafe so we went to the car and just talked. We talked about his brother that came back from war, how happy he was that he came back alive, and how awful it would be if he didn’t, and cross your fingers he will be back many times and retire with honor. I’m very proud of him. He doesn’t know me and I don’t know him, but I still thank him in my head for defending our country. I really would talk about anything with Brad; I was comfortable, and insanely happy that I got my best friend back.
What I love most about him is that he is a total sweetheart, he has one of those hearts where he keeps annoying you till you tell him what’s wrong, and then he would always make it better. I don’t think I’ve ever seen him genuinely upset, maybe mad a few times, but not sad. He always made everything better.
And after all of the years I pushed him away and made him feel unwanted, after all the “I’m sorry’s” and rejecting him, he’s still here. And he still wants me. I really couldn’t be happier.
I wouldn’t say our story ended, I think it has just started. And I’m happy that he still accepts me, and whether we go out or not, I think we’re going to be best friends for a long time. He basically my other half, or at least a big part, I don’t think I could for a while without thinking about him or without talking to him.
I just need him is all.
Thanks for reading our story.

Stay classy and sassy my loves.