Let’s pretend.

Let’s pretend you picked me up from a bar,

From being oh so charismatic.

And I felt fire when you dragged your hand up my arm.

So I followed you,

From the bar,

To the street,

To the cab,

To your hotel,

To your hotel room,

With hard kisses in between,

And all I felt was fire. Again.

Let’s pretend you didn’t see my scars and my flaws,

As you were unzipping my dress,

And as you were kissing every inch of me,

Let’s pretend you weren’t thinking about someone else.

As I was unzipping your pants while pushing you to the bed.

And when I made you wait so I could turn the lights off,

You thought it was a game of trying to find my skin in a dark room.

But it was really so I didn’t have to find out when this ended.

I felt your breath on my neck,

And I pretend that you cared about me,

As I fell on top of you,

And perhaps just for a moment,

I didn’t pretend at all.

I felt your soft touch,

I felt your caution.

I tasted the whiskey on your breath and I can imagine you tasted tequila.

But dark and light liquors don’t mix very well, do they?

And you explored me as I touched your face,

And my hand grazed your five o’clock shadow.

I felt your breathing get quick,

And I knew it was almost over.

So when it was,

I pretended you didn’t ask me to leave.

I pretended you didn’t throw me my clothes and make me hurry.

I pretended you wanted me for more then just an hour.

So I zipped my dress back up,

And as I was closing your hotel door and putting my other heel on,

It had me wondering…

Did you pretend too?

Over it. Kind of.

Hello lovies,
I’m sorry I haven’t been on in a while, I’ve been kind of down. And you guessed it, another failed relationship! Woohoo! Look who messed up again! This girl! I’m having one of those days where you just want to drown out the world with all of the sad songs on your phone, and I’ve basically done that, with the exception of talking to a few friends that have helped. I’m done.

I’ve honestly given up. I think love is testing me now, and I’m done playing the game. It’s gotten to the point where I’m absolutely hopeless at such a young age.

If love is setting a place at the table for someone who is never coming home, I think I’ll pass.

Movies are overrated and give you crazy expectations. So do love songs and love stories. They are all made up.
Maybe part of the reason I’m so clingy on this subject is because I’ve never seen a functioning relationship.
I’m from a broken home, broken family, broken people. Last night my mom told me that her and my step dad, engaged for 11 years, had broken up. It hit us both.
There are these thoughts I’ve had, where I just hear a song, and it describes my feelings, and I have so many at one time, and I ramble too much. (About anything, hopping from one subject to another, if you haven’t seen already.)
Each song is like a step closer from regretting everything and just calling my past ex-boyfriends all and saying I’m sorry, and can we make up. But I can’t do that, because I won’t be happy.
And I need to be happy; I need to love myself, so that I can let another person love me.

To be honest, I don’t think I’ve ever actually been in love. And that scares me.
Because then, every relationship, every moment, every feeling, it was all in my head. It was made-up.
I’ve had butterflies, but maybe that’s because I was nervous that the relationship would fail, not because the person gave me them.
I’ve had a breakdown, maybe because I wasn’t happy with myself, not the relationships.
In my life, I’ve had so many what if’s and maybes, and it’s pretty ridiculous.
This is a hard conclusion to grasp onto. It’s a scary thought to me. That I’ve been so invested in my head about being in love, but I never was.

And you can’t be in love if you aren’t in love.
To others, that might be confusing, but to me, it’s absolutely clear. And it’s scary to me, because what if it’s true?
What if I never get to experience the amazing things people talk about?

What if. What if. What if.
Maybe. Maybe. Maybe.

it’s all so annoying to me, it keeps repeating, every single thing I’ve written down is basically me bullshitting about something I’ve never gotten to feel. And it’s not fair. I lust for love, I just want to feel one day of being in love, and then I will understand everything.
And I still don’t understand why I’m so invested in this myself.
I don’t know how to feel right now. I’m having feelings coming back, feelings I didn’t know were still there for a certain someone, and feelings I still have for my most recent broken relationship, where even though I broke it off, he’s moved onto another girl already.

It just hurts. Everything hurts right now. And I want it to stop. That’s all I’m asking.
But I guess I’m asking for too much.
Stay strong.

Stay classy and sassy my loves… I’m going to try too.