Hey, how are you all?
I don’t think this will be considered a blog post, because these things are not what’s on my mind rather than what needs to get out of my mind.
These letters are to the people I care to explain to. These are the worst I couldn’t bear to tell you, even over the phone. These letters show you that I really did care, and what we had was real, but our time just had to end, and that doesn’t mean our life had too.
This is to all the relationships where we jumped in too fast and got ourselves hurt because we didn’t know what to do, or we did something wrong.
Our chapter was done, but you aren’t forgotten, I’ll remember all of you, all of my mistakes.
Sounds harsh I know, but I truly think that we weren’t meant to be, and I don’t know. Maybe we are supposed to be. I don’t believe in god, but I believe that everything happens for a reason, and I think what’s meant to be will eventually find a way.
Maybe not today, or tomorrow, a few weeks of months, even years.
But you know what?
I can’t wait to find out.
Dear past lovers,
I’m not sure that I can call you a lover at all, because I don’t think I’ve ever been in love with any of you.
First of all, I’m sorry our relationship failed. I blame myself for it and in all honestly, I always seem to be the problem. Whether you weren’t happy, or I wasn’t, or we both weren’t, it didn’t work out. And I think it was supposed to not work out because I don’t want to keep you from the one you’re really supposed to be with. And that was my fault, thinking it was me. How silly.
To the one who doesn’t want to get married, ever.
I understand that you shouldn’t need a ring to call someone yours. I get that. But having a ring shows to all of your friends, that’s proof that you want to spend the rest of their lives together, and they should understand. Marriage and divorce is a pain in the ass, I know. Well, I don’t actually know, but movies seem to be realistic enough. Paperwork, planning, costly. I get it, it’s tough. But I’m pretty sure the person you’re doing that for will appreciate it. And even if you don’t want any of that, maybe you will change your mind, even though you were always stubborn. I haven’t talked to you in a few weeks and I think I should. I don’t know, just miss you. I think a part of my heart will always be dedicated to you, and maybe some of the past relationships didn’t work because I was hung up on you for more than a year. A part of me will always want to go back to those 3 in the morning conversations and blushing like crazy, saying you wanted me. Acting like children because we didn’t care. Reading your poems and trying to figure you out. A part of me will always hope and wish that you will come back to me and try to give us another shot, because our last one, the timing wasn’t quite right. But if you are reading this, please don’t give up on me. I think about you every day, literally more than once, it’s scary actually. And I’m sorry that I was stubborn, and we both didn’t deserve what had happened. I’ve been good, I know you would ask.
I hope you’re doing fine too.
To the beautiful boy whose heart I broke in December,
I still have your Christmas present wrapped up in a box with a few other belongings of our relationship. Playing video games together, I think about you a lot. I wonder how you’re doing, I know you hate me right now, and there isn’t much I can do considering you won’t talk to me. And I’m sorry that I ended things, and I’m sorry that we argued at every little thing, even though little things were our song. Cheesy I know, but it was cute. You were so innocent, and I felt like trash compared to you, that I would never be good enough for you because you were so pure and attentive. You were stubborn too, except you would get mad easily, and get upset over the weather. I still have a letter I wrote to you, two weeks into our relationships, claiming I loved you, when really I just needed something to hang onto in order to get our relationship back on track, and I know it didn’t work. I’m sorry. I can’t count how many times I’ve said sorry to you, and I know you’re sick of hearing it, but there really isn’t much more I can say. When I play volleyball, I think of you, I watch you’re videos, and thank god you haven’t read this. And even if you do, don’t tell me. I don’t want to know.
I hope the best for you and I hope that no more girls screw you over. I’m sorry.
To my relationship that lasted only a few weeks,
We didn’t have a relationship, but it was a close enough one that I care to reply to.
Yeah, I remember you still. You don’t talk to me, and you hate me. And I didn’t do anything, it was your fault. This is the only thing I don’t blame on myself, because you were horrible to me. I liked you and you were a conceded asshole who always had to be difficult. I don’t hate you, even though I would like too. I don’t want to talk to you, but hell, if you asked to start over, I would go right back to you, believe me, that’s how I am. That’s how weak I’ve became partly because of you. And I know it will never happen, because I know you.
I’ve told you my secrets and I’ve figured you out, but you always had to be right and I always had to be wrong. So fuck you for that. And you know that I know exactly who you are and care to be. Always having to play hard to get and asking questions instead of going with it, stopping it and making excuses in hopes of ruining our relationship, and good job! You did it! I applaud you on your “overly confident” personality, as you call it. You weren’t my type to begin with, I hated you when I first talked to you, remember? I do. and now, I want to hate you even more because you thought I wasn’t good enough for you, and I didn’t need you dragging me down and adding stress to my life that I didn’t need. Because you were a jerk to me, and you weren’t respectful toward my decision to be with you, you just had to lead me on and then once you got me, you ripped me right in half. And you could do it over and over again, and I’m mad at myself for letting you do that. I have so much anger toward you that I can’t even explain it. I know the guy that sent those cute texts, and waiting for my reply and calling me at two in the morning to tease each other and laughing till we couldn’t breathe; I know that guy is somewhere deep down inside of you. But I can’t wait for him. It’s useless and disappointing, and I want to cry about it, but I won’t. You aren’t worth crying over. I hope you treat your significant other the way you should be treating her, and maybe think of her before you think of yourself.
Hope you’re doing well. Well, I don’t really mean that. But it’s nice to say.
To the relationship that was most recent.
Yes, your name still burns into my memory so easily, and we had spent a lot of time together, but you weren’t good for me. Those two weeks felt like two days, it went by very fast.
And I see that two days after we broke up, you had already went out with someone else,
Someone who I use to call a friend.
Now, whenever I try to look at you and smile, you’re cold to me. And I didn’t do anything.
You mad I ended it between us? Fine. I don’t need to be waiting in five months just to see you get shipped off and then not see or hear from you other than letters till Christmas. I’ve had one marine not come back and I don’t need another. People told me that you were flirting with so many other girls while you were with me, and I didn’t believe it till I actually saw you flirt with her. The one you call your girlfriend now.
And you know what sucks?
Watching you care for her more than you ever cared for me.
That’s not fair to me. I was good to you, I was faithful, and you were an asshole. And I hate you for that. I hate that every time I try to get you out of my head, you creep your way back. I hate that all she does is talk about her week and weekend with you when I’m right in front of her, acting like it doesn’t bother me.
I’m supposed to be strong, and we didn’t last, but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt.
My stomach drops when I see you two. maybe because you hate me and I can tell by the way you avoid your eye contact with me, maybe it’s the way you try to rub her in my face, which you’ve done a pretty good job at, or maybe because I caught you being unfaithful to me, when I did nothing to deserve it.
Call it over-dramatic, I’m a girl, what do you expect?
You still have an effect on me, and you know that, and you use it against me. I hate you. Maybe if you actually talked to me, instead of other girls, this could have worked, but I was the bigger person and wouldn’t let you step all over me. And that’s why you’re mad, because you didn’t get your way.
And the fact that you didn’t even care when I broke up with you.
All you had to say was okay. And I hate you for that.
I hate you for so many reasons that I would never, ever go back to you.
Because you hurt me.
And I hope it hurt you too.
Because you weren’t there for me.
I have nothing more to say to you.
Goodnight and goodday.
Dear future lover,
I can’t wait to meet you. To hug you, to kiss you. I can’t wait to figure you out. Every little thing about you. So I get to do things with you, and give you the letters I’ve written to you since I was 12. I can’t wait to be able to look down at my left hand on my ring finger, and realize that I have everything in front of me with you. I can’t wait to buy a small apartment and move in with you, sharing nights and dancing around the kitchen in the refrigerator light. I can’t wait to sing with you and act like a complete idiot singing show tunes.
I can’t wait to tell everyone that I’m in love, and that I will be with you forever. Because that’s all I ever wanted. I just wanted to be happy with you.
I want to be able to come home after a day of work to find you waiting there for me to pick me up and spin me around and kiss me. To wake up and roll over on my side and kiss you good morning, and go make breakfast together in our apartment of too many cats; because that’s what we both deserve. I want to be happy, and I’ve convinced myself that will only be happy when I find you, until then, I’ll keep myself numb.
Maybe you will know what to do with me, because I don’t. I have been feeling a bit lost the past couple of years. And I need you to guide me. But you need to guide me right to you.
And maybe you will understand me, you will understand my past, and my stubbornness, and my difficult life.
Maybe you’ll show me that there is more to life than getting a job and growing up, and believe me, I don’t think we will ever grow up. If you have scars, I will kiss them, and I won’t judge you.
Maybe you’ll help me understand why I’m so obsessed with finding you, with being happy with someone I love, my other half.
Maybe I would have more to say to you if I haven’t said all of these things already, and that I know I just bullshitting and repeating myself, but maybe its okay.
Maybe you’ll finally show me what it’s like to be in love.
And until then, I’m here, waiting for you to find me.
Till the stars burnout, right?
Stay classy and sassy my loves.