This shouldn’t even consider having a title.

“Do you know how much you meant to me?
Oh no.
Do you know I still carry the memories?
Oh no.
Did you know that for me letting go wasn’t easy?
Oh no, no you don’t.
Do you still listen to our lullaby?
Oh no.
Does it help you get to sleep at night?
Oh no.
Are you singing along by the pale moonlight?
Oh no, no you don’t.”
- chase coy

I don’t want to start over.
I don’t want you to start over.
it’s not fair to me. to you.
I don’t want another first date,
Or first kiss from someone.
I don’t want to figure out someone all over again,
I don’t want to meet their family,
I don’t want to repeat any of it again,
It just reminds me of all of it,
All of the failure.
I’m so sick of it. All of it.
I’m so sick of trying. And hoping,
That maybe when I start to push everyone away again,
To just shut everyone out,
There will be that one that is determined to stay.
Maybe they exist,
You know?
Maybe that person, my person.
but you were not him.

“And hey sweetie,
Well I need you here tonight,
And I know that you don’t wanna be leaving me
Yeah, you want it, but I can’t help it.
I just feel complete when you’re by my side.”
- a day to remember

You’re such a hypocrite.
I hate you.
I hate you.
I hate you.
I hate you.
I don’t want your story to begin.
I hope you two don’t work out and I hope that you will feel exactly the way I do.
You don’t even talk to me anymore.
You’ve forgotten. Everything.
But I haven’t. I still have all of the text messages. All of the pictures.
I still see your name burned into my mind.
I want you to go away.
I want to forget.
Because it’s best,
And I won’t hurt anymore about you,
Then I can hurt about someone else.
Please let me forget you,
Help me forget everything.
Help me forget our conversations at two in the morning,
Help me forget your eyes,
You’re brightness.
Help me forget our first kiss we never got to have.
Help me forget everything,
Because I’m sick of waiting,
I’m sick of wanting you.
I want to forget.
I don’t want you.
But I want you.
I don’t know what I want anymore.
I don’t know.
but I know you took me.
not my virginity,
not my innocence,
you took my heart,
my soul,
you took my dreams,
you took your time,
you let me love you,
you let me love myself,
you loved me,
and you took me.
All of me.
and you ripped me right down the center.
you let me fall for you,
and you had me wrapped around your finger,
and you didn’t care.
and I cared, I wanted you to care.
But you didn’t.

“im starting to feel,
starting to heal,
and you should too.”
- this wild life

we all make mistakes. it’s not you, it’s me.

“Now you’re screaming I don’t love you and I never did.
You’re just a number in my pocket,
So get the hell over it.”
-inxoticating, i love you.

Ah yes, another horrible day with disgusting people. Another day to remind yourself to stop wearing your heart on your sleeve and trust people so easily. Another day to regret everything you’ve done wrong. Another day to say, You’re fucking done.
But we all know you aren’t that strong.

Feeling yourself getting sick to your stomach, your legs getting weak as your struggling to breathe.
Trying your best not to damn cry, because it didn’t mean anything,
So it shouldn’t hurt you. It shouldn’t hurt you.

Whispering to yourself that it wasn’t real, and maybe it’s a dream that you’ll wake up in.
Whispering to yourself that it will be alright, that they come and go.
Whispering to yourself that it was your fault that you got attached easily.

Finally feeling yourself lose your balance and feeling numb, and soon, you’re on the ground thinking to yourself,
That the sickness and hurt will go away. Eventually, right?
Now you’re screaming to yourself to not get attached again,
That you’re just a stupid, naive, little girl.
Because you are.
You’re screaming to yourself that you can’t do this over and over and not expect the worst to happen.

Now you’re crying,
You’re crying because you know it was your fault that you rushed it. That you ruined everything.
You’re crying because you knew how it would turn out eventually.
You’re crying because you told yourself, you hoped, that it would be different.
And you’re crying because you know that it’s a damn lie.
Because this is how weak-minded you’ve become from over the past few months of struggling.
Because this, this can’t be true. Can it?
No, because it’s too good to be true.
You’re so sick of it. All of it.

Now you’re swearing to yourself,
You’re swearing to yourself to never show your feelings, because you won’t get a better feeling that contentness and neutrality.
You’re swearing to yourself that it will never happen.

You’re looking at your wrists and tracing each white line, and you’re swearing that you’ve been months clean.

Now,
You’re questioning.
You’re questioning everything.
Why did it happen to you?
Why hasn’t the world stopped for you?
Why is everyone going on with their lives while you can’t?
Why are you being so dramatic?
Why aren’t you being strong about it?
Why are you wearing yourself out over a dumb boy?
a boy who had to take a few days to lead you on and made you sacrifice your comfortability, just to rip your feelings in two, and leaving it there to rot.
Why do you care?
Am I going to get any answers to any of these questions?

The fantasy: yes of course dear, your time will come eventually, just not right now.
The reality: no. you aren’t, so get the fuck over it and move on with your life already. No one cares to see you that way.

Now you wake yourself up, and then repeat. Everything.

Love? What a silly word.

“Kiss me like it’s the last thing we’ll ever do.”

It’s a Friday night, and of course I’m not out, who goes out anymore? Psh.
Lately, I’ve been over-thinking so much of things. Hell, I do that on a regular basis. But it’s been about writing. This kind of thing, whatever this is. I don’t know many people who actually give a shit about writing or reading; or someone who hasn’t crushed my dreams on becoming a novelist.
I’ve been thinking about this writing that I do, and I question myself, I question everything. Why do I write? Why do I write about the same thing? Why do I care? Why am I so convinced that someone who reads this, all of this, will understand? Because I doubt you will.

And there’s one question I always ask myself. Every day.
Why do I want to fall in love?
What possesses me to read romance novels?
Or watch stupid romance movies with the sad parts in the middle but it’s okay because they end up together and happy at the end.
What’s so good about it?
It’s all like cold coffee to me.
Two things, one I love, and one I don’t. Then they put it together just to tug at my heart.
I wonder if my soul mate obsesses with this stuff like I do; I wonder if he thinks of me, if I’ve met him.
What if I’ve already met the person I’m going to marry? That’s a scary thought.

What if this stuff is all in my head?
That I’m so convinced I need to be with someone, not just to be in love, but because I don’t want to be alone anymore.
I don’t like being alone and unhappy.
I’d like to think that the sky is the limit, that this world has so many possibilities for me, whether I want to find them or not, where they are going to be.
I always have to tell myself to slow down, to enjoy this day, because may 2, 2014 won’t ever come again, and one day were all going to end up in the ground, so go crazy right? I suppose so.
I also understand that I’m asking questions that no one has an intention to answer.
People ask me why I obsess with boys. And for the record, I don’t.
You can have your silly immature boys. I don’t want them.

I’m obsessed with finding the love that fits me.
The love where we can get drunk off wine and love and go get married. And then go home and regret it and not regret it. If that makes sense, which it probably doesn’t.
The one where everyone doesn’t approve, which makes it all the more fun.
The one that won’t run out, the one that’s always fiery and exciting. The one that’s thrilling because it’s forbidden.
The ones that feel like the movies, the semi-precious, eager-minded, complicated feelings in them.
The one that would consume me, even though I promised myself that I wouldn’t get caught in one of those again, because it ended up disastrous.
Oh, how I wish it would be like that every time. But it isn’t. Oh the cliques.
There’s just something about a first love that is unlike to any other love you have, if its love that you have or are looking for.
But no need for a re-run, I’ve already told you that story.
Now, I wake up alone, I talk to very few people, and I patiently wait. I wait for whatever comes next for me. Taking it day by day, just letting the world guide me.
And maybe, just maybe, it will take me right to you.

The Lovers Dictionary~

Arrears- out of all the things I thought could go wrong; I never thought it would be this. “It was a mistake.” you said,
But maybe the reality was the mistake was mine; for trusting you.

Breathtaking- the days when we kiss and spend hours surrendering and letting go of everything.

Catalyst- it won’t be surprising when I’ll be the first one to say it, but it will be surprising if you say you do too.

Doldrums- sinking, failing, thinking of every bad conclusion in my head, when she texted you, we were on your bed.

Elliptical- my favorite kisses are the slow ones, the ones you know are coming so your heart starts beating fast, getting excited and afraid you’re going to mess up; those are my favorite.

Flux- does every “I love you” deserve an “I love you too”? Does every kiss deserve one back? Does every night deserve to be spent with a lover?
If the answer to any of these questions is no, what do we do then?

Gravity- I imagined you saved me from my fears; then I imagine if I’m just imagining it.

Hiatus-”it’s up to you.” you said. “I don’t believe in such a thing” I said. A break is not a break, it is breaking up.

I- me, myself, without anyone else.

Jerk- ignoring, sending mixed signals, cheating, lying, it’s all some game to you, but the jokes on you because I know exactly how this game is played.

Kinetic- different, but the same, loud, but quiet, smooth, yet bumpy; saying, but not understanding.

Love- I’m not even going to try.

Makeshift- I thought there was only two people in this world; hopeless romantics and realists. What’s real and what’s in your head or what your past lovers had told you, but both are real hopeless anyway.

Narcissism- you couldn’t believe how many things I’ve burned cooking.

Only- That’s the problem, isn’t it?
when you’re single, there’s only me; when you’re paired, there’s only you.

Persevere- I thought the first few days we wouldn’t make it, and then you said, “It’s over.” I started crying.
You panicked and said, “No I meant this part, we have to move to the next.” reassuring doesn’t always set you up to success.

Qualm- there is no reason to make fun of me for being shorter than you, because you sure as hell wouldn’t want me to be taller, now would you?

Recant- I would take back half of the “I love you’s” I’ve said, but I can’t. I would take back all of the pictures because you said there was too much, but I can’t. I want to take back the trust I had in you, but I can’t.
I want to take back falling for you, but I can’t.

Scapegoat- I think our top two are:
1. too much iced tea
2. Not enough iced tea.

Traverse- I thought the first few days we wouldn’t make it, and then you said, “Its over.” I started crying.
You panicked and said, “No I meant this part, we have to move to the next.” I said, “I’m not so sure we can.”
You said, “I’m sure we can.” I said, “How can you be so sure?” you said, “I’m sure, isn’t that enough?” No, it wasn’t enough.

Unrealistic- I painted you with my mind, every perk, every flaw, every look, and every hair; but when I found you, you were not what I had in mind. And I’m not saying that as a bad thing either.

Voluminous- I’ve spent 840 minutes; 14 hours sitting next to you; this has to mean something.

When- you kiss me when we get to your house. I kiss back harder, you say, “later babe. later.” but later doesn’t come soon enough.

X- We should invent more words that start with x so that people actually use that letter.

Yesterday- you called me when I got home, told me to come over. I said no. you told me that you found someone else. I said I did too. You said you wanted to be friends, I said I did too. You told me you were happy. I said I was too.

Zzzzz- when you lay your head on my side and we just lay there, and you fall asleep and i don’t want to move in fear of waking you up, so i just lay there and listen to your breathing. it finally feels right. But tell me, does it feel right for you too?

The Beautiful, Best Side Of Love

“Now I’m selfishly dispossessed,
You don’t want to be my boyfriend,
And that’s probably for the best.
Because that gets messy, and you will hurt me,
And say fair well.”

Love is something we wait for,
We imagine our first kiss, First sex, our first I love you;
But we never imagine our first heartbreak.
Maybe because it’s too painful to even imagine.
But in a way, the pain of love is what truly changes us.
It’s the loosing of love,
That’s what makes us who we are.
The loss of a parent,
Our virginity, our innocence.
Who you thought you might be.
And me, who turned out to be a bitch who shuts everyone out.
Those losses are perhaps our first steps into growing up and learning.
Life gets more complicated.
But it’s also a promise,
Opening your heart to new beginnings.
Maybe the lies we tell about love complicate our lives more than needed.
We can’t deny the fact that we create our own problems,
Break ups, make ups, forbidden loves;
It is hard to keep the fantasy of what love could be alive.
The most exciting relationships are the ones we can’t have,
The ones that won’t approve,
The ones that you know will never happen,
The ones that aren’t realistic to your life in reality; that’s what’s so thrilling to me.

Because what if it could happen? Or maybe it won’t. It’s a challenge and one that I’m willing to accept.
The way my stomach turns at the thought of being in the middle of a thriving and thrilling relationship excites me.
And the way movies and books make it even more interesting to me helps too.
Maybe dreaming about the greatest love is better than reality.
Even though reality will always be better because you know it’s real,
And my grandma always told me, “The greatest love story, is your own.”
And I can’t wait to write mine. Maybe I’ll even write a book about it.
Hell, knowing me, I will.
I’ve been in a good mood lately and been keeping high hopes. I’m trying to be open and I don’t care about my past relationships anymore.
And as soon as I told myself to let that go, I did. It was easy, and I felt a huge weight pulled off of my shoulders.
I’m expecting the best and always prepared for the worst.
And I still feel like me.
Jamming out to music in the car, thrifting with my dad and talking to my close friends at school, I’m happy.
I’ve also come to notice that you should surround yourself with positive and crazy, weird people, because they help your mood instantly. And yes, there can be that one person that could randomly text you in one of your mood and instantly lift you up and make you feel special.
Of course, that hasn’t happened to me in a while, not that I mind. I never was one for texting even if I love to type and talk. Hell, I talk too much and I talk to people who could care less about what I’m talking about. I’m happy, that’s all that matters right now. I feel confident and I don’t feel upset about anything anymore. There are a few things that I would change, and if I could I would. My worst flaw about myself fears of saying the wrong thing at the wrong time. Or not saying anything at all.
And what I’ve been learning is that fear is stupid. And so are regrets.

So, I don’t regret anything in my relationships, the destroyed ones, the okay ones, the ones that exploded and went to fast; it was all a lesson for me, to find the right one.
They said in my church that every time you break up with someone, it’s preparing you for divorce. And me, well, I’m at the top of the divorce list at my church, probably one of the reasons I don’t go anymore. And that’s not true. Breaking up is NOT the same as divorce.

You don’t have so much paperwork to go through when you break up, duh.
And the emotional damage is by far not as bad as divorce.
But anyway, it’s all lies, and even if it isn’t a lie, it’s still stupid. That’s why I don’t listen to it anymore.
And there is one thing I’ve learned out of all of this;
If love were easy, life would be too simple.

Stay classy and sassy my loves.

words I’ve never said.

Hey, how are you all?
I don’t think this will be considered a blog post, because these things are not what’s on my mind rather than what needs to get out of my mind.
These letters are to the people I care to explain to. These are the worst I couldn’t bear to tell you, even over the phone. These letters show you that I really did care, and what we had was real, but our time just had to end, and that doesn’t mean our life had too.
This is to all the relationships where we jumped in too fast and got ourselves hurt because we didn’t know what to do, or we did something wrong.
Our chapter was done, but you aren’t forgotten, I’ll remember all of you, all of my mistakes.
Sounds harsh I know, but I truly think that we weren’t meant to be, and I don’t know. Maybe we are supposed to be. I don’t believe in god, but I believe that everything happens for a reason, and I think what’s meant to be will eventually find a way.
Maybe not today, or tomorrow, a few weeks of months, even years.
But you know what?
I can’t wait to find out.

Dear past lovers,
I’m not sure that I can call you a lover at all, because I don’t think I’ve ever been in love with any of you.
First of all, I’m sorry our relationship failed. I blame myself for it and in all honestly, I always seem to be the problem. Whether you weren’t happy, or I wasn’t, or we both weren’t, it didn’t work out. And I think it was supposed to not work out because I don’t want to keep you from the one you’re really supposed to be with. And that was my fault, thinking it was me. How silly.

To the one who doesn’t want to get married, ever.
I understand that you shouldn’t need a ring to call someone yours. I get that. But having a ring shows to all of your friends, that’s proof that you want to spend the rest of their lives together, and they should understand. Marriage and divorce is a pain in the ass, I know. Well, I don’t actually know, but movies seem to be realistic enough. Paperwork, planning, costly. I get it, it’s tough. But I’m pretty sure the person you’re doing that for will appreciate it. And even if you don’t want any of that, maybe you will change your mind, even though you were always stubborn. I haven’t talked to you in a few weeks and I think I should. I don’t know, just miss you. I think a part of my heart will always be dedicated to you, and maybe some of the past relationships didn’t work because I was hung up on you for more than a year. A part of me will always want to go back to those 3 in the morning conversations and blushing like crazy, saying you wanted me. Acting like children because we didn’t care. Reading your poems and trying to figure you out. A part of me will always hope and wish that you will come back to me and try to give us another shot, because our last one, the timing wasn’t quite right. But if you are reading this, please don’t give up on me. I think about you every day, literally more than once, it’s scary actually. And I’m sorry that I was stubborn, and we both didn’t deserve what had happened. I’ve been good, I know you would ask.
I hope you’re doing fine too.

To the beautiful boy whose heart I broke in December,
I still have your Christmas present wrapped up in a box with a few other belongings of our relationship. Playing video games together, I think about you a lot. I wonder how you’re doing, I know you hate me right now, and there isn’t much I can do considering you won’t talk to me. And I’m sorry that I ended things, and I’m sorry that we argued at every little thing, even though little things were our song. Cheesy I know, but it was cute. You were so innocent, and I felt like trash compared to you, that I would never be good enough for you because you were so pure and attentive. You were stubborn too, except you would get mad easily, and get upset over the weather. I still have a letter I wrote to you, two weeks into our relationships, claiming I loved you, when really I just needed something to hang onto in order to get our relationship back on track, and I know it didn’t work. I’m sorry. I can’t count how many times I’ve said sorry to you, and I know you’re sick of hearing it, but there really isn’t much more I can say. When I play volleyball, I think of you, I watch you’re videos, and thank god you haven’t read this. And even if you do, don’t tell me. I don’t want to know.
I hope the best for you and I hope that no more girls screw you over. I’m sorry.
sincerely, me.

To my relationship that lasted only a few weeks,
We didn’t have a relationship, but it was a close enough one that I care to reply to.
Yeah, I remember you still. You don’t talk to me, and you hate me. And I didn’t do anything, it was your fault. This is the only thing I don’t blame on myself, because you were horrible to me. I liked you and you were a conceded asshole who always had to be difficult. I don’t hate you, even though I would like too. I don’t want to talk to you, but hell, if you asked to start over, I would go right back to you, believe me, that’s how I am. That’s how weak I’ve became partly because of you. And I know it will never happen, because I know you.
I’ve told you my secrets and I’ve figured you out, but you always had to be right and I always had to be wrong. So fuck you for that. And you know that I know exactly who you are and care to be. Always having to play hard to get and asking questions instead of going with it, stopping it and making excuses in hopes of ruining our relationship, and good job! You did it! I applaud you on your “overly confident” personality, as you call it. You weren’t my type to begin with, I hated you when I first talked to you, remember? I do. and now, I want to hate you even more because you thought I wasn’t good enough for you, and I didn’t need you dragging me down and adding stress to my life that I didn’t need. Because you were a jerk to me, and you weren’t respectful toward my decision to be with you, you just had to lead me on and then once you got me, you ripped me right in half. And you could do it over and over again, and I’m mad at myself for letting you do that. I have so much anger toward you that I can’t even explain it. I know the guy that sent those cute texts, and waiting for my reply and calling me at two in the morning to tease each other and laughing till we couldn’t breathe; I know that guy is somewhere deep down inside of you. But I can’t wait for him. It’s useless and disappointing, and I want to cry about it, but I won’t. You aren’t worth crying over. I hope you treat your significant other the way you should be treating her, and maybe think of her before you think of yourself.
Hope you’re doing well. Well, I don’t really mean that. But it’s nice to say.
sincerely, me.

To the relationship that was most recent.
Yes, your name still burns into my memory so easily, and we had spent a lot of time together, but you weren’t good for me. Those two weeks felt like two days, it went by very fast.
And I see that two days after we broke up, you had already went out with someone else,
Someone who I use to call a friend.
Now, whenever I try to look at you and smile, you’re cold to me. And I didn’t do anything.
You mad I ended it between us? Fine. I don’t need to be waiting in five months just to see you get shipped off and then not see or hear from you other than letters till Christmas. I’ve had one marine not come back and I don’t need another. People told me that you were flirting with so many other girls while you were with me, and I didn’t believe it till I actually saw you flirt with her. The one you call your girlfriend now.
And you know what sucks?
Watching you care for her more than you ever cared for me.
That’s not fair to me. I was good to you, I was faithful, and you were an asshole. And I hate you for that. I hate that every time I try to get you out of my head, you creep your way back. I hate that all she does is talk about her week and weekend with you when I’m right in front of her, acting like it doesn’t bother me.
I’m supposed to be strong, and we didn’t last, but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt.
My stomach drops when I see you two. maybe because you hate me and I can tell by the way you avoid your eye contact with me, maybe it’s the way you try to rub her in my face, which you’ve done a pretty good job at, or maybe because I caught you being unfaithful to me, when I did nothing to deserve it.
Call it over-dramatic, I’m a girl, what do you expect?
You still have an effect on me, and you know that, and you use it against me. I hate you. Maybe if you actually talked to me, instead of other girls, this could have worked, but I was the bigger person and wouldn’t let you step all over me. And that’s why you’re mad, because you didn’t get your way.
And the fact that you didn’t even care when I broke up with you.
All you had to say was okay. And I hate you for that.
I hate you for so many reasons that I would never, ever go back to you.
Because you hurt me.
And I hope it hurt you too.
Because you weren’t there for me.
I have nothing more to say to you.
Goodnight and goodday.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dear future lover,

I can’t wait to meet you. To hug you, to kiss you. I can’t wait to figure you out. Every little thing about you. So I get to do things with you, and give you the letters I’ve written to you since I was 12. I can’t wait to be able to look down at my left hand on my ring finger, and realize that I have everything in front of me with you. I can’t wait to buy a small apartment and move in with you, sharing nights and dancing around the kitchen in the refrigerator light. I can’t wait to sing with you and act like a complete idiot singing show tunes.
I can’t wait to tell everyone that I’m in love, and that I will be with you forever. Because that’s all I ever wanted. I just wanted to be happy with you.
I want to be able to come home after a day of work to find you waiting there for me to pick me up and spin me around and kiss me. To wake up and roll over on my side and kiss you good morning, and go make breakfast together in our apartment of too many cats; because that’s what we both deserve. I want to be happy, and I’ve convinced myself that will only be happy when I find you, until then, I’ll keep myself numb.
Maybe you will know what to do with me, because I don’t. I have been feeling a bit lost the past couple of years. And I need you to guide me. But you need to guide me right to you.
And maybe you will understand me, you will understand my past, and my stubbornness, and my difficult life.
Maybe you’ll show me that there is more to life than getting a job and growing up, and believe me, I don’t think we will ever grow up. If you have scars, I will kiss them, and I won’t judge you.
Maybe you’ll help me understand why I’m so obsessed with finding you, with being happy with someone I love, my other half.
Maybe I would have more to say to you if I haven’t said all of these things already, and that I know I just bullshitting and repeating myself, but maybe its okay.
Maybe you’ll finally show me what it’s like to be in love.
And until then, I’m here, waiting for you to find me.
Till the stars burnout, right?
Sincerely,
Me.

Stay classy and sassy my loves.

Over it. Kind of.

Hello lovies,
I’m sorry I haven’t been on in a while, I’ve been kind of down. And you guessed it, another failed relationship! Woohoo! Look who messed up again! This girl! I’m having one of those days where you just want to drown out the world with all of the sad songs on your phone, and I’ve basically done that, with the exception of talking to a few friends that have helped. I’m done.

I’ve honestly given up. I think love is testing me now, and I’m done playing the game. It’s gotten to the point where I’m absolutely hopeless at such a young age.

If love is setting a place at the table for someone who is never coming home, I think I’ll pass.

Movies are overrated and give you crazy expectations. So do love songs and love stories. They are all made up.
Maybe part of the reason I’m so clingy on this subject is because I’ve never seen a functioning relationship.
I’m from a broken home, broken family, broken people. Last night my mom told me that her and my step dad, engaged for 11 years, had broken up. It hit us both.
There are these thoughts I’ve had, where I just hear a song, and it describes my feelings, and I have so many at one time, and I ramble too much. (About anything, hopping from one subject to another, if you haven’t seen already.)
Each song is like a step closer from regretting everything and just calling my past ex-boyfriends all and saying I’m sorry, and can we make up. But I can’t do that, because I won’t be happy.
And I need to be happy; I need to love myself, so that I can let another person love me.

To be honest, I don’t think I’ve ever actually been in love. And that scares me.
Because then, every relationship, every moment, every feeling, it was all in my head. It was made-up.
I’ve had butterflies, but maybe that’s because I was nervous that the relationship would fail, not because the person gave me them.
I’ve had a breakdown, maybe because I wasn’t happy with myself, not the relationships.
In my life, I’ve had so many what if’s and maybes, and it’s pretty ridiculous.
This is a hard conclusion to grasp onto. It’s a scary thought to me. That I’ve been so invested in my head about being in love, but I never was.

And you can’t be in love if you aren’t in love.
To others, that might be confusing, but to me, it’s absolutely clear. And it’s scary to me, because what if it’s true?
What if I never get to experience the amazing things people talk about?

What if. What if. What if.
Maybe. Maybe. Maybe.

it’s all so annoying to me, it keeps repeating, every single thing I’ve written down is basically me bullshitting about something I’ve never gotten to feel. And it’s not fair. I lust for love, I just want to feel one day of being in love, and then I will understand everything.
And I still don’t understand why I’m so invested in this myself.
I don’t know how to feel right now. I’m having feelings coming back, feelings I didn’t know were still there for a certain someone, and feelings I still have for my most recent broken relationship, where even though I broke it off, he’s moved onto another girl already.

It just hurts. Everything hurts right now. And I want it to stop. That’s all I’m asking.
But I guess I’m asking for too much.
Stay strong.

Stay classy and sassy my loves… I’m going to try too.