“Not knowing stuff makes it less complicated.”
I feel like I’m in a competition I’ll never win.
I know every girl has felt like this.
I just feel not good enough,
Not superior to you,
I feel like at any point I can crash into a million pieces and you won’t know what to do because I’ll lash out at you and push you away.
And I don’t mean to do that.
And I know I’m not supposed to feel this way, and honesty,
It all comes down to one guy.
A guy I’ve spent a year with,
And another year getting over.
Talking and venting with people that could care less,
That didn’t listen.
I feel like you’re making me forget the hurt,
The ache I always used to have,
And I feel it’s way too early.
I’ve already told you half my secrets,
My failures, your failures.
The way my face gets red way too much,
Ones that I wouldn’t tell anyone else,
You were just patient,
And I feel like that’s bad,
I’m only seeing this now.
I’ve done so much to build a wall around myself with a scowl on my face and a bitchy attitude.
And just when I was secure in my secret place,
You come in,
And slam it down, so easily.
And I’m still wondering how the hell you did that.
And now we’ve been talking for a week.
It’s nearly two in the morning,
And I’m up,
Thinking about the way you talk.
I can never tell if they are grey or green.
The way your shyness reflects off your smile.
The dip in your chin,
I’m thinking about the way you excite me,
The way I’m happy to get up in the morning, and not dread seeing the world as horrible.
Even though it is.
You can instantly pick up my mood,
Just by a simple text, that isn’t more than a sentence.
And that scares me.
And every time I almost bring him up,
You stop me and talk about your favorite games to play,
And I feel that getting to know me
Wasn’t one of them.
I end up comparing,
One by one,
Every guy that I see,
Every guy I get to know,
I compare them to him,
And they never make it. Ever,
And maybe they weren’t meant too.
I feel my friends looking at me,
Because they know I’m not miserable anymore,
Other than when you aren’t talking to me.
I’m a little less mad,
At myself, at life,
And a little more thankful of everything.
And thankful I’ve met you.
Out of no where, completely unexpected,
Even when we did first talk,
I didn’t expect anything,
Because I was still doubtful,
And I was still hurt.
And maybe I still am,
I always will be in some places.
Maybe it was good that it wasn’t expected,
It wouldn’t have made it better than it already is.
I still get that moment,
When I end up comparing,
And I knew you weren’t like him.
For the first time,
I think you’re better,
And I’m a little shocked,
But I’m a little not,
Because each time I was comparing similarities,
And I’ve figured out,
That it didn’t work because me and him weren’t remotely similar.
We were different.
Then I look at you,
And were completely the same.
It makes sense,
Probably only to me.
So I’m tired,
And I hope if you ever read this,
And know that I’m not ready to devote my life to you,
Or declare my love,
Even though you haven’t asked me too.
You have to understand what I feel comfortable with talking about,
And I suppose you’ll know everything in time.
And I feel like I’m already jumping in head first,
Not afraid of commitment or brokenness.
Know if at any time I get like this,
you can’t freak out,
Or shut me out.
I don’t know what we are,
But I can’t wait to find out.
I think you’re going to be very good for me.