Comparisons

“Not knowing stuff makes it less complicated.”

I feel like I’m in a competition I’ll never win.
I know every girl has felt like this.
I just feel not good enough,
Not superior to you,
I feel like at any point I can crash into a million pieces and you won’t know what to do because I’ll lash out at you and push you away.
And I don’t mean to do that.
And I know I’m not supposed to feel this way, and honesty,
It all comes down to one guy.
A guy I’ve spent a year with,
And another year getting over.
Talking and venting with people that could care less,
That didn’t listen.
And then,
I feel like you’re making me forget the hurt,
The ache I always used to have,
The emptiness.
And I feel it’s way too early.
I’ve already told you half my secrets,
My dreams,
My failures, your failures.
The way my face gets red way too much,
Ones that I wouldn’t tell anyone else,
You were just patient,
You listened.
And I feel like that’s bad,
I’m only seeing this now.
I’ve done so much to build a wall around myself with a scowl on my face and a bitchy attitude.
And just when I was secure in my secret place,
You come in,
And slam it down, so easily.
And I’m still wondering how the hell you did that.
And now we’ve been talking for a week.
It’s nearly two in the morning,
And I’m up,
Thinking about the way you talk.
You’re eyes,
I can never tell if they are grey or green.
The way your shyness reflects off your smile.
The dip in your chin,
I’m thinking about the way you excite me,
The way I’m happy to get up in the morning, and not dread seeing the world as horrible.
Even though it is.
You can instantly pick up my mood,
Just by a simple text, that isn’t more than a sentence.
And that scares me.
And every time I almost bring him up,
You stop me and talk about your favorite games to play,
And I feel that getting to know me
Wasn’t one of them.
I end up comparing,
One by one,
Every guy that I see,
Every guy I get to know,
I compare them to him,
And they never make it. Ever,
Not one.
And maybe they weren’t meant too.
I feel my friends looking at me,
And smiling,
Because they know I’m not miserable anymore,
Other than when you aren’t talking to me.
I’m a little less mad,
At myself, at life,
And a little more thankful of everything.
And thankful I’ve met you.
Out of no where, completely unexpected,
Even when we did first talk,
I didn’t expect anything,
Because I was still doubtful,
And I was still hurt.
And maybe I still am,
I always will be in some places.
Maybe it was good that it wasn’t expected,
It wouldn’t have made it better than it already is.
I still get that moment,
When I end up comparing,
And I knew you weren’t like him.
For the first time,
I think you’re better,
And I’m a little shocked,
But I’m a little not,
Because each time I was comparing similarities,
Not differences.
And I’ve figured out,
That it didn’t work because me and him weren’t remotely similar.
We were different.
Then I look at you,
And were completely the same.
It makes sense,
Probably only to me.
So I’m tired,
I’m mumbling,
And bullshitting,
And I hope if you ever read this,
You’ll understand.
And know that I’m not ready to devote my life to you,
Or declare my love,
Even though you haven’t asked me too.
You have to understand what I feel comfortable with talking about,
And I suppose you’ll know everything in time.
And I feel like I’m already jumping in head first,
Not afraid of commitment or brokenness.
Know if at any time I get like this,
you can’t freak out,
Or shut me out.
I don’t know what we are,
But I can’t wait to find out.
I think you’re going to be very good for me.

Dancers

03-dancers
“Here we are again,
In the middle of the night,
We’re dancing ’round the kitchen
In the refrigerator light,
Down the stairs,
I was there,
I remember it,
All too well.”
-t swift

Dancers,
The one career that gives girls high expectations and thinks they will be a professional when it’s a one in a million chance.
Yet, every girl thinks of doing it at some point in their life.
And lately, I’ve been inspired by it.
They can be graceful,
Or horrible.
And yet, there’s something about it that runs through my veins,
Something that I haven’t done since I was eight,
Suddenly peaked my interest.
They move to a rhythm,
They move to a beat,
They hear a song and they can instantly move to it.
There are so many kinds of dance it’s hard to keep up.
But my best friend, and her sister,
They both dance,
And even though they are competitive and one doesn’t dance anymore,
I just think of the way they dance and the way I wish I could do that without looking like an awkward stick.
The way they beautifully move, not any hair out of place,
It’s so unforgettable,And so crazy to think about.
Doing splits that make me hurt by looking at them,
Going on pointes,
And managing to still look perfect.
I feel like each dancer has a song,
And each song has a perfect listener,
And in that moment,
The theme song for that moment in your life,
It could last,
It could not.
But that choice is theirs,
And I think that’s so intriguing.
This can’t just be me here.
To me,
It’s like reading a book.
Or sleeping.
And some moment in your life,
You forget everything entirely for a moment,
And you just let it take you away to another world,
With no worries,
And it’s peaceful.
And in that moment, no one else matters but you,
And that’s when you cannot waste that moment or let it go.
So try not to.

Connection

They say hiding your feelings will help get rid of them. Based on experience, I must say they’re wrong.
The more you hide your feelings for someone, the more you try to prevent the inevitable, the more you fall for them. Life works that way.
You cannot just erase and forget the memories you shared.
And it’s hard to start over, trust me.

We all have our doubts,
That we will meet someone who fits our needs,
Someone who is exactly like you in some ways
And different in others.
We all have experience with this,
And maybe that’s why we have our doubts.
It’s very fascinating,
At one moment your thinking,
Oh that’s okay; all of my friends are in relationships,
Happy, content, neutral.
When you are so used to hearing all of that,
The loneliness,
It gets to you.
Watching them love each other the way you want to be loved,
Yeah, it hurts.

And when you’re just over-thinking your life,
You future,
Your mistakes, your choices,
Out of nowhere,
You meet someone.
By one simple mistake,
And probably one of my favorite mistakes.
You don’t know how,
But it just clicks,
The connection became so strong in such a short time,
On subjects you would never talk about with anyone else,
That you’re talking with a stranger that you just met,
Because everyone else would think you were crazy.
Next thing you know it’s been four hours,
Nearly two in the morning,
And you aren’t the slightest bit tired,
Because you still haven’t run out of things to talk about.
Just where you have that sudden connection,
And you don’t want it to go away,
And it doesn’t.
It just stays.
And then the part that you dread,
When they have to go away,
And you just think,
That’s awesome,
I don’t think I’ll ever have that with anyone else,
If won’t let someone in so easily.
You say you’re goodnights and tell them to take care,
And you just go to sleep thinking of the way they talk,
The way you’ve never heard it,
They just listened.
Even if you talked too much,
Which you probably did.
You go on with the next day,
Still thinking about this and that,
And it goes by,
Hours and hours,
You think he’s probably busy,
And now it’s nighttime,
You thinking about going to bed early,
And then as you go to lie down,
Your phone lights up,
And you just smile to yourself,
Because you know exactly who it is.
And then it repeats.

Day after day,
Spilling secrets and passions,
Futures and failures,
And each time you talk you feel a little less sad,
And a little more happy,
And content,
And neutral.
And you can relate now,
Because you think you’ve finally found something that you can say that you didn’t expect.
And you can say it’s something that is yours.

This shouldn’t even consider having a title.

“Do you know how much you meant to me?
Oh no.
Do you know I still carry the memories?
Oh no.
Did you know that for me letting go wasn’t easy?
Oh no, no you don’t.
Do you still listen to our lullaby?
Oh no.
Does it help you get to sleep at night?
Oh no.
Are you singing along by the pale moonlight?
Oh no, no you don’t.”
– chase coy

I don’t want to start over.
I don’t want you to start over.
it’s not fair to me. to you.
I don’t want another first date,
Or first kiss from someone.
I don’t want to figure out someone all over again,
I don’t want to meet their family,
I don’t want to repeat any of it again,
It just reminds me of all of it,
All of the failure.
I’m so sick of it. All of it.
I’m so sick of trying. And hoping,
That maybe when I start to push everyone away again,
To just shut everyone out,
There will be that one that is determined to stay.
Maybe they exist,
You know?
Maybe that person, my person.
but you were not him.

“And hey sweetie,
Well I need you here tonight,
And I know that you don’t wanna be leaving me
Yeah, you want it, but I can’t help it.
I just feel complete when you’re by my side.”
– a day to remember

You’re such a hypocrite.
I hate you.
I hate you.
I hate you.
I hate you.
I don’t want your story to begin.
I hope you two don’t work out and I hope that you will feel exactly the way I do.
You don’t even talk to me anymore.
You’ve forgotten. Everything.
But I haven’t. I still have all of the text messages. All of the pictures.
I still see your name burned into my mind.
I want you to go away.
I want to forget.
Because it’s best,
And I won’t hurt anymore about you,
Then I can hurt about someone else.
Please let me forget you,
Help me forget everything.
Help me forget our conversations at two in the morning,
Help me forget your eyes,
You’re brightness.
Help me forget our first kiss we never got to have.
Help me forget everything,
Because I’m sick of waiting,
I’m sick of wanting you.
I want to forget.
I don’t want you.
But I want you.
I don’t know what I want anymore.
I don’t know.
but I know you took me.
not my virginity,
not my innocence,
you took my heart,
my soul,
you took my dreams,
you took your time,
you let me love you,
you let me love myself,
you loved me,
and you took me.
All of me.
and you ripped me right down the center.
you let me fall for you,
and you had me wrapped around your finger,
and you didn’t care.
and I cared, I wanted you to care.
But you didn’t.

“im starting to feel,
starting to heal,
and you should too.”
– this wild life

we all make mistakes. it’s not you, it’s me.

“Now you’re screaming I don’t love you and I never did.
You’re just a number in my pocket,
So get the hell over it.”
-inxoticating, i love you.

Ah yes, another horrible day with disgusting people. Another day to remind yourself to stop wearing your heart on your sleeve and trust people so easily. Another day to regret everything you’ve done wrong. Another day to say, You’re fucking done.
But we all know you aren’t that strong.

Feeling yourself getting sick to your stomach, your legs getting weak as your struggling to breathe.
Trying your best not to damn cry, because it didn’t mean anything,
So it shouldn’t hurt you. It shouldn’t hurt you.

Whispering to yourself that it wasn’t real, and maybe it’s a dream that you’ll wake up in.
Whispering to yourself that it will be alright, that they come and go.
Whispering to yourself that it was your fault that you got attached easily.

Finally feeling yourself lose your balance and feeling numb, and soon, you’re on the ground thinking to yourself,
That the sickness and hurt will go away. Eventually, right?
Now you’re screaming to yourself to not get attached again,
That you’re just a stupid, naive, little girl.
Because you are.
You’re screaming to yourself that you can’t do this over and over and not expect the worst to happen.

Now you’re crying,
You’re crying because you know it was your fault that you rushed it. That you ruined everything.
You’re crying because you knew how it would turn out eventually.
You’re crying because you told yourself, you hoped, that it would be different.
And you’re crying because you know that it’s a damn lie.
Because this is how weak-minded you’ve become from over the past few months of struggling.
Because this, this can’t be true. Can it?
No, because it’s too good to be true.
You’re so sick of it. All of it.

Now you’re swearing to yourself,
You’re swearing to yourself to never show your feelings, because you won’t get a better feeling that contentness and neutrality.
You’re swearing to yourself that it will never happen.

You’re looking at your wrists and tracing each white line, and you’re swearing that you’ve been months clean.

Now,
You’re questioning.
You’re questioning everything.
Why did it happen to you?
Why hasn’t the world stopped for you?
Why is everyone going on with their lives while you can’t?
Why are you being so dramatic?
Why aren’t you being strong about it?
Why are you wearing yourself out over a dumb boy?
a boy who had to take a few days to lead you on and made you sacrifice your comfortability, just to rip your feelings in two, and leaving it there to rot.
Why do you care?
Am I going to get any answers to any of these questions?

The fantasy: yes of course dear, your time will come eventually, just not right now.
The reality: no. you aren’t, so get the fuck over it and move on with your life already. No one cares to see you that way.

Now you wake yourself up, and then repeat. Everything.

Love? What a silly word.

“Kiss me like it’s the last thing we’ll ever do.”

It’s a Friday night, and of course I’m not out, who goes out anymore? Psh.
Lately, I’ve been over-thinking so much of things. Hell, I do that on a regular basis. But it’s been about writing. This kind of thing, whatever this is. I don’t know many people who actually give a shit about writing or reading; or someone who hasn’t crushed my dreams on becoming a novelist.
I’ve been thinking about this writing that I do, and I question myself, I question everything. Why do I write? Why do I write about the same thing? Why do I care? Why am I so convinced that someone who reads this, all of this, will understand? Because I doubt you will.

And there’s one question I always ask myself. Every day.
Why do I want to fall in love?
What possesses me to read romance novels?
Or watch stupid romance movies with the sad parts in the middle but it’s okay because they end up together and happy at the end.
What’s so good about it?
It’s all like cold coffee to me.
Two things, one I love, and one I don’t. Then they put it together just to tug at my heart.
I wonder if my soul mate obsesses with this stuff like I do; I wonder if he thinks of me, if I’ve met him.
What if I’ve already met the person I’m going to marry? That’s a scary thought.

What if this stuff is all in my head?
That I’m so convinced I need to be with someone, not just to be in love, but because I don’t want to be alone anymore.
I don’t like being alone and unhappy.
I’d like to think that the sky is the limit, that this world has so many possibilities for me, whether I want to find them or not, where they are going to be.
I always have to tell myself to slow down, to enjoy this day, because may 2, 2014 won’t ever come again, and one day were all going to end up in the ground, so go crazy right? I suppose so.
I also understand that I’m asking questions that no one has an intention to answer.
People ask me why I obsess with boys. And for the record, I don’t.
You can have your silly immature boys. I don’t want them.

I’m obsessed with finding the love that fits me.
The love where we can get drunk off wine and love and go get married. And then go home and regret it and not regret it. If that makes sense, which it probably doesn’t.
The one where everyone doesn’t approve, which makes it all the more fun.
The one that won’t run out, the one that’s always fiery and exciting. The one that’s thrilling because it’s forbidden.
The ones that feel like the movies, the semi-precious, eager-minded, complicated feelings in them.
The one that would consume me, even though I promised myself that I wouldn’t get caught in one of those again, because it ended up disastrous.
Oh, how I wish it would be like that every time. But it isn’t. Oh the cliques.
There’s just something about a first love that is unlike to any other love you have, if its love that you have or are looking for.
But no need for a re-run, I’ve already told you that story.
Now, I wake up alone, I talk to very few people, and I patiently wait. I wait for whatever comes next for me. Taking it day by day, just letting the world guide me.
And maybe, just maybe, it will take me right to you.

The Lovers Dictionary~

Arrears- out of all the things I thought could go wrong; I never thought it would be this. “It was a mistake.” you said,
But maybe the reality was the mistake was mine; for trusting you.

Breathtaking- the days when we kiss and spend hours surrendering and letting go of everything.

Catalyst- it won’t be surprising when I’ll be the first one to say it, but it will be surprising if you say you do too.

Doldrums- sinking, failing, thinking of every bad conclusion in my head, when she texted you, we were on your bed.

Elliptical- my favorite kisses are the slow ones, the ones you know are coming so your heart starts beating fast, getting excited and afraid you’re going to mess up; those are my favorite.

Flux- does every “I love you” deserve an “I love you too”? Does every kiss deserve one back? Does every night deserve to be spent with a lover?
If the answer to any of these questions is no, what do we do then?

Gravity- I imagined you saved me from my fears; then I imagine if I’m just imagining it.

Hiatus-“it’s up to you.” you said. “I don’t believe in such a thing” I said. A break is not a break, it is breaking up.

I- me, myself, without anyone else.

Jerk- ignoring, sending mixed signals, cheating, lying, it’s all some game to you, but the jokes on you because I know exactly how this game is played.

Kinetic- different, but the same, loud, but quiet, smooth, yet bumpy; saying, but not understanding.

Love- I’m not even going to try.

Makeshift- I thought there was only two people in this world; hopeless romantics and realists. What’s real and what’s in your head or what your past lovers had told you, but both are real hopeless anyway.

Narcissism- you couldn’t believe how many things I’ve burned cooking.

Only- That’s the problem, isn’t it?
when you’re single, there’s only me; when you’re paired, there’s only you.

Persevere- I thought the first few days we wouldn’t make it, and then you said, “It’s over.” I started crying.
You panicked and said, “No I meant this part, we have to move to the next.” reassuring doesn’t always set you up to success.

Qualm- there is no reason to make fun of me for being shorter than you, because you sure as hell wouldn’t want me to be taller, now would you?

Recant- I would take back half of the “I love you’s” I’ve said, but I can’t. I would take back all of the pictures because you said there was too much, but I can’t. I want to take back the trust I had in you, but I can’t.
I want to take back falling for you, but I can’t.

Scapegoat- I think our top two are:
1. too much coffee
2. Not enough coffee.

Traverse- I thought the first few days we wouldn’t make it, and then you said, “Its over.” I started crying.
You panicked and said, “No I meant this part, we have to move to the next.” I said, “I’m not so sure we can.”
You said, “I’m sure we can.” I said, “How can you be so sure?” you said, “I’m sure, isn’t that enough?” No, it wasn’t enough.

Unrealistic- I painted you with my mind, every perk, every flaw, every look, and every hair; but when I found you, you were not what I had in mind. And I’m not saying that as a bad thing either.

Voluminous- I’ve spent 840 minutes; 14 hours sitting next to you; this has to mean something.

When- you kiss me when we get to your house. I kiss back harder, you say, “later babe. later.” but later doesn’t come soon enough.

X- We should invent more words that start with x so that people actually use that letter.

Yesterday- you called me when I got home, told me to come over. I said no. you told me that you found someone else. I said I did too. You said you wanted to be friends, I said I did too. You told me you were happy. I said I was too.

Zzzzz- when you lay your head on my side and we just lay there, and you fall asleep and i don’t want to move in fear of waking you up, so i just lay there and listen to your breathing. it finally feels right. But tell me, does it feel right for you too?